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Most of the victims were children.

You killed the novel.

Hats don’t suit you.

You are the world’s worst poltergeist. You can’t even make an old house creak.

Keep driving until you run out of gas. Then run for the mountains. Then hide in the network of caves. It will give you at least another 72 hours of life.

You will never be a space pirate who enjoys yachting in the summer.

Change is coming. It will be about 5 cents and you will leave it in the tip jar.

You are being controlled by a giant supercomputer from a 1980s movie.

You are going to tag a dead beached whale and everyone will think you are an awful human being.

You cry when you cut onions. Spare a thought for how the onions feel you selfish bastard.

We are all out of time. Thank you for watching.

The weekend will not wash clean all of the horrors you committed during the week.

Horrorscope – Friday 2nd May 2014