Tag: humor
The Mislaid Deck: Card 41 – Guilt By Derision
The Mislaid Deck: Card 24 – The Anvil.
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The Mislaid Pack: The First 27.
The Mislaid Deck: Card 12 – The Candidate.
The Mislaid Deck: Card 10 – The Sign Post.
The Mislaid Deck: Card 9 – The Drone.
The Art of Failure – self-help for the morbidly inclined. Pt4
The Art of Failure – self-help for the mordibly inclined. Pt 2
An Easter Story Part 1.
And behold, there was a great earthquake and the large egg did crack from the top and Jesus did burst forth with great you and said unto his disciples, ‘Be not afraid for even though the frame of this egg is a sturdy wire mesh yet the shell itself is a tasty sugar mixture. Go spread the good news!” But the Easter Chick remained unimpressed.
Matthew 28:1-10
An Easter Story Part 1.
And behold, there was a great earthquake and the large egg did crack from the top and Jesus did burst forth with great you and said unto his disciples, ‘Be not afraid for even though the frame of this egg is a sturdy wire mesh yet the shell itself is a tasty sugar mixture. Go spread the good news!” But the Easter Chick remained unimpressed.
Matthew 28:1-10
An Easter Story Part 2.
And behold, there was a great earthquake and the large egg did crack from the top and Jesus did burst forth with great you and said unto his disciples, ‘Be not afraid for even though the frame of this egg is a sturdy wire mesh yet the shell itself is a tasty sugar mixture. Go spread the good news!” But the Easter Chick remained unimpressed.
Matthew 28:1-10
An Easter Story Part 1.
Then sent Jesus two disciples, saying unto them, “Go into the village over against you, and straightway ye shall find an enormous bunny tied, and also a giant chick with her, but take the enormous bunny, and bring it unto me, but leave the giant chick where it is. And if anyone say ought unto you, ye shall say, the Lord hath need of a really enormous bunny; and straightway they shall send it.”
Matthew 21:1-3
Saint Patrick’s Day Advice
It is Saint Patrick’s Day next week.
The Yearly Bacchanal is not a time for introspection but perhaps, this year, it’s time to slow down a little.
I am probably just getting old. Don’t mind me, I am just an decrepit man with not much time left.
Even so, here, below, are some ideas and some thoughts.
Cheers!
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Saint Patrick’s Day Advice
It is Saint Patrick’s Day next week.
The Yearly Bacchanal is not a time for introspection but perhaps, this year, it’s time to slow down a little.
I am probably just getting old. Don’t mind me, I am just an decrepit man with not much time left.
Even so, here, below, are some ideas and some thoughts.
Cheers!
This slideshow requires JavaScript.
Saint Patrick’s Day Advice
It is Saint Patrick’s Day next week.
The Yearly Bacchanal is not a time for introspection but perhaps, this year, it’s time to slow down a little.
I am probably just getting old. Don’t mind me, I am just a decrepit man with not much time left.
Even so, here, below, are some ideas and some thoughts.
Cheers!
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- You are responsible for the Empire of your Crumbling Mind.
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- Your fingers are talking to each other.
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- Spiderman has just sprayed your face in sticky hand jizz.
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- Look up and you will see what killed you.
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- Whatever you do with those organs you purchased off E-bay it had better be quick, the Feds are coming up the stairs now.
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- Someone is taking advantage of you right now. Someone sitting right next to you.
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- Wear a cape this weekend. Again.
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- Your red eyes stand out daringly against the monochrome background.
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- Don’t swim in the pool. It’s full of hungry you-eating sharks. You’re welcome for this obvious but important advice.
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- The best you can hope is that one day you will live in a trash can that doesn’t contain much feces.
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- You are going to ruin colour theory with your weekend outfits.
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- Look out for any annexation opportunities this weekend, you best take them while you can.
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- You are responsible for the Empire of your Crumbling Mind.
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- Your fingers are talking to each other.
-
- Spiderman has just sprayed your face in sticky hand jizz.
-
- Look up and you will see what killed you.
-
- Whatever you do with those organs you purchased off E-bay it had better be quick, the Feds are coming up the stairs now.
-
- Someone is taking advantage of you right now. Someone sitting right next to you.
-
- Wear a cape this weekend. Again.
-
- Your red eyes stand out daringly against the monochrome background.
-
- Don’t swim in the pool. It’s full of hungry you-eating sharks. You’re welcome for this obvious but important advice.
-
- The best you can hope is that one day you will live in a trash can that doesn’t contain much feces.
-
- You are going to ruin colour theory with your weekend outfits.
-
- Look out for any annexation opportunities this weekend, you best take them while you can.
Horrorscope – Friday 9th May 2014
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- Most of the victims were children.
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- You killed the novel.
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- Hats don’t suit you.
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- You are the world’s worst poltergeist. You can’t even make an old house creak.
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- Keep driving until you run out of gas. Then run for the mountains. Then hide in the network of caves. It will give you at least another 72 hours of life.
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- You will never be a space pirate who enjoys yachting in the summer.
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- Change is coming. It will be about 5 cents and you will leave it in the tip jar.
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- You are being controlled by a giant supercomputer from a 1980s movie.
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- You are going to tag a dead beached whale and everyone will think you are an awful human being.
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- You cry when you cut onions. Spare a thought for how the onions feel you selfish bastard.
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- We are all out of time. Thank you for watching.
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- The weekend will not wash clean all of the horrors you committed during the week.
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- Most of the victims were children.
-
- You killed the novel.
-
- Hats don’t suit you.
-
- You are the world’s worst poltergeist. You can’t even make an old house creak.
-
- Keep driving until you run out of gas. Then run for the mountains. Then hide in the network of caves. It will give you at least another 72 hours of life.
-
- You will never be a space pirate who enjoys yachting in the summer.
-
- Change is coming. It will be about 5 cents and you will leave it in the tip jar.
-
- You are being controlled by a giant supercomputer from a 1980s movie.
-
- You are going to tag a dead beached whale and everyone will think you are an awful human being.
-
- You cry when you cut onions. Spare a thought for how the onions feel you selfish bastard.
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- We are all out of time. Thank you for watching.
-
- The weekend will not wash clean all of the horrors you committed during the week.
Horrorscope – Friday 2nd May 2014
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- Beware The Time Thief. BEWARE!
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- Those red eyes in the dark of the forest all belong to the same thing. Your vengeful army of dopplegangers.
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- You will be fired out of a cannon into a wall of chickens.
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- You will be made into paté for the bored rich.
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- You’re about to become a popular gif that will cause your family to implode.
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- You’re going to be the last human on earth by the end of the week. At least that’s what They want you to think.
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- You’re not even good enough to be the side kick who gets sacrificed in the third act.
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- When you got out of bed this morning you never expected to be running from NASA security guards by sunset.
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- That was close.
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- Your footprints are getting bigger.
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- Your footprints are getting smaller.
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- No-one will believe you when you find a new sub-atomic particle.
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-
- Beware The Time Thief. BEWARE!
-
- Those red eyes in the dark of the forest all belong to the same thing. Your vengeful army of dopplegangers.
-
- You will be fired out of a cannon into a wall of chickens.
-
- You will be made into paté for the bored rich.
-
- You’re about to become a popular gif that will cause your family to implode.
-
- You’re going to be the last human on earth by the end of the week. At least that’s what They want you to think.
-
- You’re not even good enough to be the side kick who gets sacrificed in the third act.
-
- When you got out of bed this morning you never expected to be running from NASA security guards by sunset.
-
- That was close.
-
- Your footprints are getting bigger.
-
- Your footprints are getting smaller.
-
- No-one will believe you when you find a new sub-atomic particle.
Horrorscope – Thursday 1st May 2014
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- Everything will be glued together.
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- Your life is falling apart and that’s the best news you’re going to get today.
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- All of this has happened before.
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- Same as this time last week only worse.
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- You are an amazing cheerleader and an amazing werewolf. Be proud of both.
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- How many legs do you need? Twelve? Go to the Leg Store you’ll find plenty of legs there. It’s a legs store.
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- You are bored today.
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- You will drink a whole glass of water.
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- You will water a glass hole.
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- You are going to be awarded the Légion d’honneur.
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- Kurt Vonnegut wrote his last unpublished novel based on your day. He spent the last two years of his life watching you obsessively. It’s a really bad book.
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- Prepare for epic disappointment.
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- Everything will be glued together.
-
- Your life is falling apart and that’s the best news you’re going to get today.
-
- All of this has happened before.
-
- Same as this time last week only worse.
-
- You are an amazing cheerleader and an amazing werewolf. Be proud of both.
-
- How many legs do you need? Twelve? Go to the Leg Store you’ll find plenty of legs there. It’s a legs store.
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- You are bored today.
-
- You will drink a whole glass of water.
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- You will water a glass hole.
-
- You are going to be awarded the Légion d’honneur.
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- Kurt Vonnegut wrote his last unpublished novel based on your day. He spent the last two years of his life watching you obsessively. It’s a really bad book.
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- Prepare for epic disappointment.
Horrorscope – Wednesday 30th April 2014
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- There are lots of things in the basement. Time for a spring clean. Bring the hazmat suits and the pentagrams.
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- Joining that cult is looking like it was the best option, after all.
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- Green energy is made of people. Or is that Soylent Green? Apparently it’s both.
-
- And, lo, on the third day Hulk did Smash.
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- You’ve got five seconds left.
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- When you get into work today you find a lot of chewed bones and not many fellow employees.
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- Start praying.
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- Start preying.
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- You notice at lunch time that your face has been stuck in your orgasm expression since you awoke. No one told you. Think about what that means.
-
- You had better learn to fly, quickly.
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- You will purchase a haunted House. It will be a very boring experience and no one will die because of it. All the death will come about because of the asbestos and the cancer.
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- You’ve been buried alive in the foundations of the building you spent years designing. As you asphixiate in the hardening concrete take comfort in the fact you will spend the next few years haunting the overpaid, haughty residents.
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-
- There are lots of things in the basement. Time for a spring clean. Bring the hazmat suits and the pentagrams.
-
- Joining that cult is looking like it was the best option, after all.
-
- Green energy is made of people. Or is that Soylent Green? Apparently it’s both.
-
- And, lo, on the third day Hulk did Smash.
-
- You’ve got five seconds left.
-
- When you get into work today you find a lot of chewed bones and not many fellow employees.
-
- Start praying.
-
- Start preying.
-
- You notice at lunch time that your face has been stuck in your orgasm expression since you awoke. No one told you. Think about what that means.
-
- You had better learn to fly, quickly.
-
- You will purchase a haunted House. It will be a very boring experience and no one will die because of it. All the death will come about because of the asbestos and the cancer.
-
- You’ve been buried alive in the foundations of the building you spent years designing. As you asphixiate in the hardening concrete take comfort in the fact you will spend the next few years haunting the overpaid, haughty residents.
Horrorscope – Tuesday 29th April 2014
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- Your Hostage Negotiation skills were all that stood between humanity and alien domination. If only your alarm had woken you on time this morning.
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- No one understands your art or what you are trying to say with it. Your mother is still very encouraging though, so that’s nice.
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- There will always be Hope somewhere.
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- Time started yesterday. Your imprecise understanding of reality will mean that you never fully understand what this means.
-
- Your television pilot is going to be a cult hit. Or unwatcheable disaster. The future is very cloudy right now. Either way, don’t go out in public for a while.
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- Pizza for breakfast was a bad idea.
-
- Your name is now the slang term for genitalia of all kinds.
-
- You never expected to be the Pope, did you?
-
- Take the envelope off the woman who is walking towards you. Don’t look back.
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- Leave your phone on the table in the cafe and burn all of your credit cards. They are hunting you now. Meet me on the Mountain at midnight.
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- Let it take one of your legs and it may leave the rest of you.
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- Even though it’s futile you shouldn’t give up. That’s nonsense, of course you should give up. Don’t give up.
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- Your Hostage Negotiation skills were all that stood between humanity and alien domination. If only your alarm had woken you on time this morning.
-
- No one understands your art or what you are trying to say with it. Your mother is still very encouraging though, so that’s nice.
-
- There will always be Hope somewhere.
-
- Time started yesterday. Your imprecise understanding of reality will mean that you never fully understand what this means.
-
- Your television pilot is going to be a cult hit. Or unwatcheable disaster. The future is very cloudy right now. Either way, don’t go out in public for a while.
-
- Pizza for breakfast was a bad idea.
-
- Your name is now the slang term for genitalia of all kinds.
-
- You never expected to be the Pope, did you?
-
- Take the envelope off the woman who is walking towards you. Don’t look back.
-
- Leave your phone on the table in the cafe and burn all of your credit cards. They are hunting you now. Meet me on the Mountain at midnight.
-
- Let it take one of your legs and it may leave the rest of you.
-
- Even though it’s futile you shouldn’t give up. That’s nonsense, of course you should give up. Don’t give up.
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- You’re not getting off this space station alive.
-
- You live in a cartoon. A cartoon in which you are not invulnerable. That saw factory is going to be the end of you.
-
- You will be Vice President to Lyndon Larouche. Then the rip in space time will suck you back into this reality.
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- Your yearning for freedom will do you little good in the face of those giant, well armed robot eagles.
-
- The court doesn’t care about your evidence because they have already decided you are guilty of secret crimes.
-
- Death for awl. Death for all. Death for owls. Whatever the judge said it’s not good for you who owns an All Awls for Owls business.
-
- You have done nothing worthwhile today but at least that means you stopped, even if for 24 hours, from plotting against the rest of humanity.
-
- It’s all going to be traced back to you. Time to move to another city.
-
- How you got into the middle of the Antarctic is a story for another time. How you are going to escape will take too long to explain here. So, essentially, you’re not going to escape.
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- Everything that your parents said were true. Especially about the tooth fairy coming to steal all of your teeth. That is why you woke up this morning without any teeth.
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- The Ghosts of Memory will destroy you in the end. But first, why not just enjoy the tasty burger you just purchased?
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- Wear a tie today.
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-
- You’re not getting off this space station alive.
-
- You live in a cartoon. A cartoon in which you are not invulnerable. That saw factory is going to be the end of you.
-
- You will be Vice President to Lyndon Larouche. Then the rip in space time will suck you back into this reality.
-
- Your yearning for freedom will do you little good in the face of those giant, well armed robot eagles.
-
- The court doesn’t care about your evidence because they have already decided you are guilty of secret crimes.
-
- Death for awl. Death for all. Death for owls. Whatever the judge said it’s not good for you who owns an All Awls for Owls business.
-
- You have done nothing worthwhile today but at least that means you stopped, even if for 24 hours, from plotting against the rest of humanity.
-
- It’s all going to be traced back to you. Time to move to another city.
-
- How you got into the middle of the Antarctic is a story for another time. How you are going to escape will take too long to explain here. So, essentially, you’re not going to escape.
-
- Everything that your parents said were true. Especially about the tooth fairy coming to steal all of your teeth. That is why you woke up this morning without any teeth.
-
- The Ghosts of Memory will destroy you in the end. But first, why not just enjoy the tasty burger you just purchased?
-
- Wear a tie today.
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- George Clooney will always love you. You should go and visit him. Go now and take some flowers. He would love to see you at his front door, no matter what time of night it is.
-
- Your whole life has been leading up to this moment that you should have been focusing on rather than reading this. Never mind. It wasn’t that important anyway. Back to the grind.
-
- Put your dreams in The Hopeless Box.
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- You were never a very good skateboarder.
-
- Whoever told you that singing was your talent does not know the meaning of the word talent. Or the meaning of the word singing.
-
- You are free to do what you want to do. Sure breathing a 20% oxygen mix is for chumps. Kick it up to 50%. See how free you are then. Free? I meant flammable.
-
- The soundtrack to you life is a long low moan.
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- Wear more dresses. Wear as many as you can at the same time.
-
- This is the last day that the sun will rise. I hope you have prepared your stores and your weapons.
-
- 10,000 hours of masturbation will not make you good at the trombone nor the banjo no matter what you may have imagined someone didn’t tell you.
-
- You will be the next victim of The Eye Collector. It does exactly what you think it does.
-
- You are the before segment of an infomercial. On a good day.
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- George Clooney will always love you. You should go and visit him. Go now and take some flowers. He would love to see you at his front door, no matter what time of night it is.
-
- Your whole life has been leading up to this moment that you should have been focusing on rather than reading this. Never mind. It wasn’t that important anyway. Back to the grind.
-
- Put your dreams in The Hopeless Box.
-
- You were never a very good skateboarder.
-
- Whoever told you that singing was your talent does not know the meaning of the word talent. Or the meaning of the word singing.
-
- You are free to do what you want to do. Sure breathing a 20% oxygen mix is for chumps. Kick it up to 50%. See how free you are then. Free? I meant flammable.
-
- The soundtrack to you life is a long low moan.
-
- Wear more dresses. Wear as many as you can at the same time.
-
- This is the last day that the sun will rise. I hope you have prepared your stores and your weapons.
-
- 10,000 hours of masturbation will not make you good at the trombone nor the banjo no matter what you may have imagined someone didn’t tell you.
-
- You will be the next victim of The Eye Collector. It does exactly what you think it does.
-
- You are the before segment of an infomercial. On a good day.
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}
/* see gallery_shortcode() in wp-includes/media.php */
-
- Your face looks like a plate of breakfast food.
-
- Your hands are invisible.
-
- When everyone starts speaking to you in binary numbers, whatever you do, don’t reveal your ignorance. They will destroy you. Gather your things and make your way to the safe house.
-
- Exit through the window.
-
- You are the main course at this Demonic barbecue.
-
- Loki is coming.
-
- When you scream in existential agony people think you are laughing.
-
- The Moon isn’t real. It’s a circle painted on a glass wall just past the horizon.
-
- Capitalism is going to eat you. Chewing your bones and sucking out the tasty marrow. Could be worse, though.
-
- Memories of growing up in a battery farm have been disturbing you lately. This is because you have been given the wrong medication. Best go see the doctor if you don’t want to be overwhelmed with the horrific truth.
-
- There are no gods. Dogs rules this secret universe. Not the cats. It was never the cats.
-
- Just because that doorframe is made of teeth doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t walk through it.
#gallery-0-5 {
margin: auto;
}
#gallery-0-5 .gallery-item {
float: left;
margin-top: 10px;
text-align: center;
width: 33%;
}
#gallery-0-5 img {
border: 2px solid #cfcfcf;
}
#gallery-0-5 .gallery-caption {
margin-left: 0;
}
/* see gallery_shortcode() in wp-includes/media.php */
-
- Your face looks like a plate of breakfast food.
-
- Your hands are invisible.
-
- When everyone starts speaking to you in binary numbers, whatever you do, don’t reveal your ignorance. They will destroy you. Gather your things and make your way to the safe house.
-
- Exit through the window.
-
- You are the main course at this Demonic barbecue.
-
- Loki is coming.
-
- When you scream in existential agony people think you are laughing.
-
- The Moon isn’t real. It’s a circle painted on a glass wall just past the horizon.
-
- Capitalism is going to eat you. Chewing your bones and sucking out the tasty marrow. Could be worse, though.
-
- Memories of growing up in a battery farm have been disturbing you lately. This is because you have been given the wrong medication. Best go see the doctor if you don’t want to be overwhelmed with the horrific truth.
-
- There are no gods. Dogs rules this secret universe. Not the cats. It was never the cats.
-
- Just because that doorframe is made of teeth doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t walk through it.
#gallery-0-5 {
margin: auto;
}
#gallery-0-5 .gallery-item {
float: left;
margin-top: 10px;
text-align: center;
width: 33%;
}
#gallery-0-5 img {
border: 2px solid #cfcfcf;
}
#gallery-0-5 .gallery-caption {
margin-left: 0;
}
/* see gallery_shortcode() in wp-includes/media.php */
-
- No one can hear your silent protest.
-
- You’re not racist you just like saying racist things and thinking racist thoughts.
-
- Your slum landlord is about to ask for more than just rent.
-
- You were born out of a magic egg.
-
- You wake up to find that your skin has been turned inside out. Apart from the terrible agony the day continues as normal.
-
- From here on in vampires will milk you like a cow. Except they will be taking blood instead of milk. Obviously. They are vampires. From where they will extract it is entirely at their discretion – because vampires.
-
- When the Death Penalty returns to your Kingdom you will be the first to feel it’s cold, cold touch.
-
- The Men in the Black Hats have been tracking you since birth and now your neon blood is all that stands between them and world domination.
-
- You are the only Ghost in Human Town. It is nearly as lonely as being the only human in Ghost Town.
-
- Jelly is sentient. It is sentient and it is slowly gathering. Better get the Crew back together.
-
- Your beard is going to murder you.
-
- You are a skeumorph.
#gallery-0-5 {
margin: auto;
}
#gallery-0-5 .gallery-item {
float: left;
margin-top: 10px;
text-align: center;
width: 33%;
}
#gallery-0-5 img {
border: 2px solid #cfcfcf;
}
#gallery-0-5 .gallery-caption {
margin-left: 0;
}
/* see gallery_shortcode() in wp-includes/media.php */
-
- No one can hear your silent protest.
-
- You’re not racist you just like saying racist things and thinking racist thoughts.
-
- Your slum landlord is about to ask for more than just rent.
-
- You were born out of a magic egg.
-
- You wake up to find that your skin has been turned inside out. Apart from the terrible agony the day continues as normal.
-
- From here on in vampires will milk you like a cow. Except they will be taking blood instead of milk. Obviously. They are vampires. From where they will extract it is entirely at their discretion – because vampires.
-
- When the Death Penalty returns to your Kingdom you will be the first to feel it’s cold, cold touch.
-
- The Men in the Black Hats have been tracking you since birth and now your neon blood is all that stands between them and world domination.
-
- You are the only Ghost in Human Town. It is nearly as lonely as being the only human in Ghost Town.
-
- Jelly is sentient. It is sentient and it is slowly gathering. Better get the Crew back together.
-
- Your beard is going to murder you.
-
- You are a skeumorph.
#gallery-0-5 {
margin: auto;
}
#gallery-0-5 .gallery-item {
float: left;
margin-top: 10px;
text-align: center;
width: 33%;
}
#gallery-0-5 img {
border: 2px solid #cfcfcf;
}
#gallery-0-5 .gallery-caption {
margin-left: 0;
}
/* see gallery_shortcode() in wp-includes/media.php */
-
- You will fall into a pit of knives.
-
- You are going to drown in a lake of children’s tears.
-
- You are going to get lost and die in a Forest of mannequins.
-
- You are going to wake up white and then spend the day patronising people of colour.
-
- You are going to open the wrong door.
-
- Your tongue just fell out.
-
- Later in the day you will find a human tongue lying on the sidewalk.
-
- Your Father has escaped from the basement again. Get the net and capture him before he kills again.
-
- You are addicted to Poverty Tourism.
-
- A mountain has just landed on top of you.
-
- You just pronounced Illinois incorrectly and everybody is judging you.
-
- Many of your relatives died today – all in freakishly unlikely accidents.
#gallery-0-5 {
margin: auto;
}
#gallery-0-5 .gallery-item {
float: left;
margin-top: 10px;
text-align: center;
width: 33%;
}
#gallery-0-5 img {
border: 2px solid #cfcfcf;
}
#gallery-0-5 .gallery-caption {
margin-left: 0;
}
/* see gallery_shortcode() in wp-includes/media.php */
-
- You will fall into a pit of knives.
-
- You are going to drown in a lake of children’s tears.
-
- You are going to get lost and die in a Forest of mannequins.
-
- You are going to wake up white and then spend the day patronising people of colour.
-
- You are going to open the wrong door.
-
- Your tongue just fell out.
-
- Later in the day you will find a human tongue lying on the sidewalk.
-
- Your Father has escaped from the basement again. Get the net and capture him before he kills again.
-
- You are addicted to Poverty Tourism.
-
- A mountain has just landed on top of you.
-
- You just pronounced Illinois incorrectly and everybody is judging you.
-
- Many of your relatives died today – all in freakishly unlikely accidents.
Horrorscope – Monday 28th April 2014
Horrorscope – Sunday 27th April 2014
Horrorscope – Saturday 26th April 2014
Horrorscope – Friday 25th April 2014
Horrorscope – Thursday 24th April 2014