Piano keys will not help you unlock this door. They will, however, be really useful as projectile weapons to be … More
Did you really think that you were going to get away with that? Well you did, no consequences. Congratulations. No-one … More
No, it’s not just you – those things in hats have been following you since your morning ablutions. You should … More
Don’t worry too much that the words in your newspaper are dripping off the page. Worry about the terrible price … More
Today you will try to convince everyone that Jeff Bezos is trying to take over the world. No one will … More
Even as you feel the life drain from your body, Be thankful that your corpse will be used as cross-training … More
It will come to your attention as the day progresses that you are not getting the attention you deserve. The … More
Today you will be the Thanksgiving leftovers for our Inter-dimensional Overlords. Baste yourself.
Thanksgiving. Today you will be filled with helium and stretched tight your limbs attached to rope as you are dragged … More
Where does all this energy come from? It comes from The Screaming Dead. That will teach you to ask questions.
You are a hybrid of human and horse. News doesn’t get much better than this today.
Good news – your hopes and dreams are going to come true. Bad news – your hopes and dreams involve … More
It is best that you start learning archery. You will learn for why soon enough.
Remember that thing you did last summer? Yes, I remember that too. *stares*
Too many cooks spoil the broth. If you must make broth out of cooks only use one cook.
Red sky at night sailors delight. Red sky in the morning – it’s far too late; the sailors have already … More
Red sky at night shepherds delight. Red sky in the morning – stay in your homes the sheperds have no … More
Hell is not other people. It is you.
Hummus is not what you think it is.
It’s all going to be okay. Yes, don’t worry. Just put this bag on your head And sit down in … More
You are a construct made in the Factory of your Ideology.
Well-wishers will be knocking at your door. Do not let them in. They bring nothing but tragedy.
Ignore the sirens.
You had better unbury that “body” because the council are about to dig up the area in order to install … More
When life gives you lemons You can makes all sorts of things with lemons. Stop complaining. Someone has just given … More
Good things come to those who wait. Unless all the good things are just go around the corner out of … More
If you use the assembly instructions you received with your wardrobe to put together your table You will discover that … More
You should definitely press that button no matter how many times you are warned not to.
You will forget how to words today. Don’t worry no one will notice because no one ever notices anything you … More
Don’t worry. Worrying is futile In the Face of Certain Doom.
Make it a talking point with your colleagues by wearing snowshoes to work. This will increase your chances of promotion … More
You’re not being radical enough. Time to get up on the barricade.
Just because Monday rhymes with Funday Does not mean that it is going to be a fun day today. Stay … More
Yes, that is ectoplasm coming out of your mouth. Don’t worry, The fear will soon pass To be replaced by … More
All Your Base Are Belong to Me. Hand them over, please.
Everything will happen today. EVERYTHING.
When those around you start to spontaneously combust simply ignore them and continue on with your business.