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You are responsible for the Empire of your Crumbling Mind.

Your fingers are talking to each other.

Spiderman has just sprayed your face in sticky hand jizz.

Look up and you will see what killed you.

Whatever you do with those organs you purchased off E-bay it had better be quick, the Feds are coming up the stairs now.

Someone is taking advantage of you right now. Someone sitting right next to you.

Wear a cape this weekend. Again.

Your red eyes stand out daringly against the monochrome background.

Don’t swim in the pool. It’s full of hungry you-eating sharks. You’re welcome for this obvious but important advice.

The best you can hope is that one day you will live in a trash can that doesn’t contain much feces.

You are going to ruin colour theory with your weekend outfits.

Look out for any annexation opportunities this weekend, you best take them while you can.

Horrorscope – Friday 9th May 2014

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You are responsible for the Empire of your Crumbling Mind.

Your fingers are talking to each other.

Spiderman has just sprayed your face in sticky hand jizz.

Look up and you will see what killed you.

Whatever you do with those organs you purchased off E-bay it had better be quick, the Feds are coming up the stairs now.

Someone is taking advantage of you right now. Someone sitting right next to you.

Wear a cape this weekend. Again.

Your red eyes stand out daringly against the monochrome background.

Don’t swim in the pool. It’s full of hungry you-eating sharks. You’re welcome for this obvious but important advice.

The best you can hope is that one day you will live in a trash can that doesn’t contain much feces.

You are going to ruin colour theory with your weekend outfits.

Look out for any annexation opportunities this weekend, you best take them while you can.

Horrorscope – Friday 9th May 2014

Horrorscope – Friday 9th May 2014

 

You are responsible for the Empire of your Crumbling Mind.

Your fingers are talking to each other.

Spiderman has just sprayed your face in sticky hand jizz.

Look up and you will see what killed you.

Whatever you do with those organs you purchased off E-bay it had better be quick, the Feds are coming up the stairs now.

Someone is taking advantage of you right now. Someone sitting right next to you.

Wear a cape this weekend. Again.

Your red eyes stand out daringly against the monochrome background.

Don’t swim in the pool. It’s full of hungry you-eating sharks. You’re welcome for this obvious but important advice.

The best you can hope is that one day you will live in a trash can that doesn’t contain much feces.

You are going to ruin colour theory with your weekend outfits.

Look out for any annexation opportunities this weekend, you best take them while you can.

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Most of the victims were children.

You killed the novel.

Hats don’t suit you.

You are the world’s worst poltergeist. You can’t even make an old house creak.

Keep driving until you run out of gas. Then run for the mountains. Then hide in the network of caves. It will give you at least another 72 hours of life.

You will never be a space pirate who enjoys yachting in the summer.

Change is coming. It will be about 5 cents and you will leave it in the tip jar.

You are being controlled by a giant supercomputer from a 1980s movie.

You are going to tag a dead beached whale and everyone will think you are an awful human being.

You cry when you cut onions. Spare a thought for how the onions feel you selfish bastard.

We are all out of time. Thank you for watching.

The weekend will not wash clean all of the horrors you committed during the week.

Horrorscope – Friday 2nd May 2014

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Most of the victims were children.

You killed the novel.

Hats don’t suit you.

You are the world’s worst poltergeist. You can’t even make an old house creak.

Keep driving until you run out of gas. Then run for the mountains. Then hide in the network of caves. It will give you at least another 72 hours of life.

You will never be a space pirate who enjoys yachting in the summer.

Change is coming. It will be about 5 cents and you will leave it in the tip jar.

You are being controlled by a giant supercomputer from a 1980s movie.

You are going to tag a dead beached whale and everyone will think you are an awful human being.

You cry when you cut onions. Spare a thought for how the onions feel you selfish bastard.

We are all out of time. Thank you for watching.

The weekend will not wash clean all of the horrors you committed during the week.

Horrorscope – Friday 2nd May 2014

Horrorscope – Friday 2nd May 2014

 

Most of the victims were children.

You killed the novel.

Hats don’t suit you.

You are the world’s worst poltergeist. You can’t even make an old house creak.

Keep driving until you run out of gas. Then run for the mountains. Then hide in the network of caves. It will give you at least another 72 hours of life.

You will never be a space pirate who enjoys yachting in the summer.

Change is coming. It will be about 5 cents and you will leave it in the tip jar.

You are being controlled by a giant supercomputer from a 1980s movie.

You are going to tag a dead beached whale and everyone will think you are an awful human being.

You cry when you cut onions. Spare a thought for how the onions feel you selfish bastard.

We are all out of time. Thank you for watching.

The weekend will not wash clean all of the horrors you committed during the week.

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Beware The Time Thief. BEWARE!

Those red eyes in the dark of the forest all belong to the same thing. Your vengeful army of dopplegangers.

You will be fired out of a cannon into a wall of chickens.

You will be made into paté for the bored rich.

You’re about to become a popular gif that will cause your family to implode.

You’re going to be the last human on earth by the end of the week. At least that’s what They want you to think.

You’re not even good enough to be the side kick who gets sacrificed in the third act.

When you got out of bed this morning you never expected to be running from NASA security guards by sunset.

That was close.

Your footprints are getting bigger.

Your footprints are getting smaller.

No-one will believe you when you find a new sub-atomic particle.

Horrorscope – Thursday 1st May 2014

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Beware The Time Thief. BEWARE!

Those red eyes in the dark of the forest all belong to the same thing. Your vengeful army of dopplegangers.

You will be fired out of a cannon into a wall of chickens.

You will be made into paté for the bored rich.

You’re about to become a popular gif that will cause your family to implode.

You’re going to be the last human on earth by the end of the week. At least that’s what They want you to think.

You’re not even good enough to be the side kick who gets sacrificed in the third act.

When you got out of bed this morning you never expected to be running from NASA security guards by sunset.

That was close.

Your footprints are getting bigger.

Your footprints are getting smaller.

No-one will believe you when you find a new sub-atomic particle.

Horrorscope – Thursday 1st May 2014

Horrorscope – Thursday 1st May 2014

 

Beware The Time Thief. BEWARE!

Those red eyes in the dark of the forest all belong to the same thing. Your vengeful army of dopplegangers.

You will be fired out of a cannon into a wall of chickens.

You will be made into paté for the bored rich.

You’re about to become a popular gif that will cause your family to implode.

You’re going to be the last human on earth by the end of the week. At least that’s what They want you to think.

You’re not even good enough to be the side kick who gets sacrificed in the third act.

When you got out of bed this morning you never expected to be running from NASA security guards by sunset.

That was close.

Your footprints are getting bigger.

Your footprints are getting smaller.

No-one will believe you when you find a new sub-atomic particle.

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Everything will be glued together.

Your life is falling apart and that’s the best news you’re going to get today.

All of this has happened before.

Same as this time last week only worse.

You are an amazing cheerleader and an amazing werewolf. Be proud of both.

How many legs do you need? Twelve? Go to the Leg Store you’ll find plenty of legs there. It’s a legs store.

You are bored today.

You will drink a whole glass of water.

You will water a glass hole.

You are going to be awarded the Légion d’honneur.

Kurt Vonnegut wrote his last unpublished novel based on your day. He spent the last two years of his life watching you obsessively. It’s a really bad book.

Prepare for epic disappointment.

Horrorscope – Wednesday 30th April 2014

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Everything will be glued together.

Your life is falling apart and that’s the best news you’re going to get today.

All of this has happened before.

Same as this time last week only worse.

You are an amazing cheerleader and an amazing werewolf. Be proud of both.

How many legs do you need? Twelve? Go to the Leg Store you’ll find plenty of legs there. It’s a legs store.

You are bored today.

You will drink a whole glass of water.

You will water a glass hole.

You are going to be awarded the Légion d’honneur.

Kurt Vonnegut wrote his last unpublished novel based on your day. He spent the last two years of his life watching you obsessively. It’s a really bad book.

Prepare for epic disappointment.

Horrorscope – Wednesday 30th April 2014

Horrorscope – Wednesday 30th April 2014

 

Everything will be glued together.

Your life is falling apart and that’s the best news you’re going to get today.

All of this has happened before.

Same as this time last week only worse.

You are an amazing cheerleader and an amazing werewolf. Be proud of both.

How many legs do you need? Twelve? Go to the Leg Store you’ll find plenty of legs there. It’s a legs store.

You are bored today.

You will drink a whole glass of water.

You will water a glass hole.

You are going to be awarded the Légion d’honneur.

Kurt Vonnegut wrote his last unpublished novel based on your day. He spent the last two years of his life watching you obsessively. It’s a really bad book.

Prepare for epic disappointment.

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There are lots of things in the basement. Time for a spring clean. Bring the hazmat suits and the pentagrams.

Joining that cult is looking like it was the best option, after all.

Green energy is made of people. Or is that Soylent Green? Apparently it’s both.

And, lo, on the third day Hulk did Smash.

You’ve got five seconds left.

When you get into work today you find a lot of chewed bones and not many fellow employees.

Start praying.

Start preying.

You notice at lunch time that your face has been stuck in your orgasm expression since you awoke. No one told you. Think about what that means.

You had better learn to fly, quickly.

You will purchase a haunted House. It will be a very boring experience and no one will die because of it. All the death will come about because of the asbestos and the cancer.

You’ve been buried alive in the foundations of the building you spent years designing. As you asphixiate in the hardening concrete take comfort in the fact you will spend the next few years haunting the overpaid, haughty residents.

Horrorscope – Tuesday 29th April 2014

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There are lots of things in the basement. Time for a spring clean. Bring the hazmat suits and the pentagrams.

Joining that cult is looking like it was the best option, after all.

Green energy is made of people. Or is that Soylent Green? Apparently it’s both.

And, lo, on the third day Hulk did Smash.

You’ve got five seconds left.

When you get into work today you find a lot of chewed bones and not many fellow employees.

Start praying.

Start preying.

You notice at lunch time that your face has been stuck in your orgasm expression since you awoke. No one told you. Think about what that means.

You had better learn to fly, quickly.

You will purchase a haunted House. It will be a very boring experience and no one will die because of it. All the death will come about because of the asbestos and the cancer.

You’ve been buried alive in the foundations of the building you spent years designing. As you asphixiate in the hardening concrete take comfort in the fact you will spend the next few years haunting the overpaid, haughty residents.

Horrorscope – Tuesday 29th April 2014

Horrorscope – Tuesday 29th April 2014

 

There are lots of things in the basement. Time for a spring clean. Bring the hazmat suits and the pentagrams.

Joining that cult is looking like it was the best option, after all.

Green energy is made of people. Or is that Soylent Green? Apparently it’s both.

And, lo, on the third day Hulk did Smash.

You’ve got five seconds left.

When you get into work today you find a lot of chewed bones and not many fellow employees.

Start praying.

Start preying.

You notice at lunch time that your face has been stuck in your orgasm expression since you awoke. No one told you. Think about what that means.

You had better learn to fly, quickly.

You will purchase a haunted House. It will be a very boring experience and no one will die because of it. All the death will come about because of the asbestos and the cancer.

You’ve been buried alive in the foundations of the building you spent years designing. As you asphixiate in the hardening concrete take comfort in the fact you will spend the next few years haunting the overpaid, haughty residents.

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Your Hostage Negotiation skills were all that stood between humanity and alien domination. If only your alarm had woken you on time this morning.

No one understands your art or what you are trying to say with it. Your mother is still very encouraging though, so that’s nice.

There will always be Hope somewhere.

Time started yesterday. Your imprecise understanding of reality will mean that you never fully understand what this means.

Your television pilot is going to be a cult hit. Or unwatcheable disaster. The future is very cloudy right now. Either way, don’t go out in public for a while.

Pizza for breakfast was a bad idea.

Your name is now the slang term for genitalia of all kinds.

You never expected to be the Pope, did you?

Take the envelope off the woman who is walking towards you. Don’t look back.

Leave your phone on the table in the cafe and burn all of your credit cards. They are hunting you now. Meet me on the Mountain at midnight.

Let it take one of your legs and it may leave the rest of you.

Even though it’s futile you shouldn’t give up. That’s nonsense, of course you should give up. Don’t give up.

Horrorscope – Sunday 27th April 2014

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Your Hostage Negotiation skills were all that stood between humanity and alien domination. If only your alarm had woken you on time this morning.

No one understands your art or what you are trying to say with it. Your mother is still very encouraging though, so that’s nice.

There will always be Hope somewhere.

Time started yesterday. Your imprecise understanding of reality will mean that you never fully understand what this means.

Your television pilot is going to be a cult hit. Or unwatcheable disaster. The future is very cloudy right now. Either way, don’t go out in public for a while.

Pizza for breakfast was a bad idea.

Your name is now the slang term for genitalia of all kinds.

You never expected to be the Pope, did you?

Take the envelope off the woman who is walking towards you. Don’t look back.

Leave your phone on the table in the cafe and burn all of your credit cards. They are hunting you now. Meet me on the Mountain at midnight.

Let it take one of your legs and it may leave the rest of you.

Even though it’s futile you shouldn’t give up. That’s nonsense, of course you should give up. Don’t give up.

Horrorscope – Sunday 27th April 2014

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You’re not getting off this space station alive.

You live in a cartoon. A cartoon in which you are not invulnerable. That saw factory is going to be the end of you.

You will be Vice President to Lyndon Larouche. Then the rip in space time will suck you back into this reality.

Your yearning for freedom will do you little good in the face of those giant, well armed robot eagles.

The court doesn’t care about your evidence because they have already decided you are guilty of secret crimes.

Death for awl. Death for all. Death for owls. Whatever the judge said it’s not good for you who owns an All Awls for Owls business.

You have done nothing worthwhile today but at least that means you stopped, even if for 24 hours, from plotting against the rest of humanity.

It’s all going to be traced back to you. Time to move to another city.

How you got into the middle of the Antarctic is a story for another time. How you are going to escape will take too long to explain here. So, essentially, you’re not going to escape.

Everything that your parents said were true. Especially about the tooth fairy coming to steal all of your teeth. That is why you woke up this morning without any teeth.

The Ghosts of Memory will destroy you in the end. But first, why not just enjoy the tasty burger you just purchased?

Wear a tie today.

Horrorscope – Saturday 26th April 2014

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You’re not getting off this space station alive.

You live in a cartoon. A cartoon in which you are not invulnerable. That saw factory is going to be the end of you.

You will be Vice President to Lyndon Larouche. Then the rip in space time will suck you back into this reality.

Your yearning for freedom will do you little good in the face of those giant, well armed robot eagles.

The court doesn’t care about your evidence because they have already decided you are guilty of secret crimes.

Death for awl. Death for all. Death for owls. Whatever the judge said it’s not good for you who owns an All Awls for Owls business.

You have done nothing worthwhile today but at least that means you stopped, even if for 24 hours, from plotting against the rest of humanity.

It’s all going to be traced back to you. Time to move to another city.

How you got into the middle of the Antarctic is a story for another time. How you are going to escape will take too long to explain here. So, essentially, you’re not going to escape.

Everything that your parents said were true. Especially about the tooth fairy coming to steal all of your teeth. That is why you woke up this morning without any teeth.

The Ghosts of Memory will destroy you in the end. But first, why not just enjoy the tasty burger you just purchased?

Wear a tie today.

Horrorscope – Saturday 26th April 2014

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George Clooney will always love you. You should go and visit him. Go now and take some flowers. He would love to see you at his front door, no matter what time of night it is.

Your whole life has been leading up to this moment that you should have been focusing on rather than reading this. Never mind. It wasn’t that important anyway. Back to the grind.

Put your dreams in The Hopeless Box.

You were never a very good skateboarder.

Whoever told you that singing was your talent does not know the meaning of the word talent. Or the meaning of the word singing.

You are free to do what you want to do. Sure breathing a 20% oxygen mix is for chumps. Kick it up to 50%. See how free you are then. Free? I meant flammable.

The soundtrack to you life is a long low moan.

Wear more dresses. Wear as many as you can at the same time.

This is the last day that the sun will rise. I hope you have prepared your stores and your weapons.

10,000 hours of masturbation will not make you good at the trombone nor the banjo no matter what you may have imagined someone didn’t tell you.

You will be the next victim of The Eye Collector. It does exactly what you think it does.

You are the before segment of an infomercial. On a good day.

Horrorscope – Friday 25th April 2014

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George Clooney will always love you. You should go and visit him. Go now and take some flowers. He would love to see you at his front door, no matter what time of night it is.

Your whole life has been leading up to this moment that you should have been focusing on rather than reading this. Never mind. It wasn’t that important anyway. Back to the grind.

Put your dreams in The Hopeless Box.

You were never a very good skateboarder.

Whoever told you that singing was your talent does not know the meaning of the word talent. Or the meaning of the word singing.

You are free to do what you want to do. Sure breathing a 20% oxygen mix is for chumps. Kick it up to 50%. See how free you are then. Free? I meant flammable.

The soundtrack to you life is a long low moan.

Wear more dresses. Wear as many as you can at the same time.

This is the last day that the sun will rise. I hope you have prepared your stores and your weapons.

10,000 hours of masturbation will not make you good at the trombone nor the banjo no matter what you may have imagined someone didn’t tell you.

You will be the next victim of The Eye Collector. It does exactly what you think it does.

You are the before segment of an infomercial. On a good day.

Horrorscope – Friday 25th April 2014

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Your face looks like a plate of breakfast food.

Your hands are invisible.

When everyone starts speaking to you in binary numbers, whatever you do, don’t reveal your ignorance. They will destroy you. Gather your things and make your way to the safe house.

Exit through the window.

You are the main course at this Demonic barbecue.

Loki is coming.

When you scream in existential agony people think you are laughing.

The Moon isn’t real. It’s a circle painted on a glass wall just past the horizon.

Capitalism is going to eat you. Chewing your bones and sucking out the tasty marrow. Could be worse, though.

Memories of growing up in a battery farm have been disturbing you lately. This is because you have been given the wrong medication. Best go see the doctor if you don’t want to be overwhelmed with the horrific truth.

There are no gods. Dogs rules this secret universe. Not the cats. It was never the cats.

Just because that doorframe is made of teeth doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t walk through it.

Horrorscope – Monday 28th April 2014

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Your face looks like a plate of breakfast food.

Your hands are invisible.

When everyone starts speaking to you in binary numbers, whatever you do, don’t reveal your ignorance. They will destroy you. Gather your things and make your way to the safe house.

Exit through the window.

You are the main course at this Demonic barbecue.

Loki is coming.

When you scream in existential agony people think you are laughing.

The Moon isn’t real. It’s a circle painted on a glass wall just past the horizon.

Capitalism is going to eat you. Chewing your bones and sucking out the tasty marrow. Could be worse, though.

Memories of growing up in a battery farm have been disturbing you lately. This is because you have been given the wrong medication. Best go see the doctor if you don’t want to be overwhelmed with the horrific truth.

There are no gods. Dogs rules this secret universe. Not the cats. It was never the cats.

Just because that doorframe is made of teeth doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t walk through it.

Horrorscope – Monday 28th April 2014

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No one can hear your silent protest.

You’re not racist you just like saying racist things and thinking racist thoughts.

Your slum landlord is about to ask for more than just rent.

You were born out of a magic egg.

You wake up to find that your skin has been turned inside out. Apart from the terrible agony the day continues as normal.

From here on in vampires will milk you like a cow. Except they will be taking blood instead of milk. Obviously. They are vampires. From where they will extract it is entirely at their discretion – because vampires.

When the Death Penalty returns to your Kingdom you will be the first to feel it’s cold, cold touch.

The Men in the Black Hats have been tracking you since birth and now your neon blood is all that stands between them and world domination.

You are the only Ghost in Human Town. It is nearly as lonely as being the only human in Ghost Town.

Jelly is sentient. It is sentient and it is slowly gathering. Better get the Crew back together.

Your beard is going to murder you.

You are a skeumorph.

Horrorscope – Wednesday 23rd April 2014

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No one can hear your silent protest.

You’re not racist you just like saying racist things and thinking racist thoughts.

Your slum landlord is about to ask for more than just rent.

You were born out of a magic egg.

You wake up to find that your skin has been turned inside out. Apart from the terrible agony the day continues as normal.

From here on in vampires will milk you like a cow. Except they will be taking blood instead of milk. Obviously. They are vampires. From where they will extract it is entirely at their discretion – because vampires.

When the Death Penalty returns to your Kingdom you will be the first to feel it’s cold, cold touch.

The Men in the Black Hats have been tracking you since birth and now your neon blood is all that stands between them and world domination.

You are the only Ghost in Human Town. It is nearly as lonely as being the only human in Ghost Town.

Jelly is sentient. It is sentient and it is slowly gathering. Better get the Crew back together.

Your beard is going to murder you.

You are a skeumorph.

Horrorscope – Wednesday 23rd April 2014

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You will fall into a pit of knives.

You are going to drown in a lake of children’s tears.

You are going to get lost and die in a Forest of mannequins.

You are going to wake up white and then spend the day patronising people of colour.

You are going to open the wrong door.

Your tongue just fell out.

Later in the day you will find a human tongue lying on the sidewalk.

Your Father has escaped from the basement again. Get the net and capture him before he kills again.

You are addicted to Poverty Tourism.

A mountain has just landed on top of you.

You just pronounced Illinois incorrectly and everybody is judging you.

Many of your relatives died today – all in freakishly unlikely accidents.

Horrorscope – Monday 28th April 2014

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You will fall into a pit of knives.

You are going to drown in a lake of children’s tears.

You are going to get lost and die in a Forest of mannequins.

You are going to wake up white and then spend the day patronising people of colour.

You are going to open the wrong door.

Your tongue just fell out.

Later in the day you will find a human tongue lying on the sidewalk.

Your Father has escaped from the basement again. Get the net and capture him before he kills again.

You are addicted to Poverty Tourism.

A mountain has just landed on top of you.

You just pronounced Illinois incorrectly and everybody is judging you.

Many of your relatives died today – all in freakishly unlikely accidents.

Horrorscope – Monday 28th April 2014

Horrorscope – Monday 28th April 2014

 

You will fall into a pit of knives.

You are going to drown in a lake of children’s tears.

You are going to get lost and die in a Forest of mannequins.

You are going to wake up white and then spend the day patronising people of colour.

You are going to open the wrong door.

Your tongue just fell out.

Later in the day you will find a human tongue lying on the sidewalk.

Your Father has escaped from the basement again. Get the net and capture him before he kills again.

You are addicted to Poverty Tourism.

A mountain has just landed on top of you.

You just pronounced Illinois incorrectly and everybody is judging you.

Many of your relatives died today – all in freakishly unlikely accidents.

Horrorscope – Sunday 27th April 2014

 

Your Hostage Negotiation skills were all that stood between humanity and alien domination. If only your alarm had woken you on time this morning.

No one understands your art or what you are trying to say with it. Your mother is still very encouraging though, so that’s nice.

There will always be Hope somewhere.

Time started yesterday. Your imprecise understanding of reality will mean that you never fully understand what this means.

Your television pilot is going to be a cult hit. Or unwatcheable disaster. The future is very cloudy right now. Either way, don’t go out in public for a while.

Pizza for breakfast was a bad idea.

Your name is now the slang term for genitalia of all kinds.

You never expected to be the Pope, did you?

Take the envelope off the woman who is walking towards you. Don’t look back.

Leave your phone on the table in the cafe and burn all of your credit cards. They are hunting you now. Meet me on the Mountain at midnight.

Let it take one of your legs and it may leave the rest of you.

Even though it’s futile you shouldn’t give up. That’s nonsense, of course you should give up. Don’t give up.

Horrorscope – Saturday 26th April 2014

 

You’re not getting off this space station alive.

You live in a cartoon. A cartoon in which you are not invulnerable. That saw factory is going to be the end of you.

You will be Vice President to Lyndon Larouche. Then the rip in space time will suck you back into this reality.

Your yearning for freedom will do you little good in the face of those giant, well armed robot eagles.

The court doesn’t care about your evidence because they have already decided you are guilty of secret crimes.

Death for awl. Death for all. Death for owls. Whatever the judge said it’s not good for you who owns an All Awls for Owls business.

You have done nothing worthwhile today but at least that means you stopped, even if for 24 hours, from plotting against the rest of humanity.

It’s all going to be traced back to you. Time to move to another city.

How you got into the middle of the Antarctic is a story for another time. How you are going to escape will take too long to explain here. So, essentially, you’re not going to escape.

Everything that your parents said were true. Especially about the tooth fairy coming to steal all of your teeth. That is why you woke up this morning without any teeth.

The Ghosts of Memory will destroy you in the end. But first, why not just enjoy the tasty burger you just purchased?

Wear a tie today.

Horrorscope – Friday 25th April 2014

 

George Clooney will always love you. You should go and visit him. Go now and take some flowers. He would love to see you at his front door, no matter what time of night it is.

Your whole life has been leading up to this moment that you should have been focusing on rather than reading this. Never mind. It wasn’t that important anyway. Back to the grind.

Put your dreams in The Hopeless Box.

You were never a very good skateboarder.

Whoever told you that singing was your talent does not know the meaning of the word talent. Or the meaning of the word singing.

You are free to do what you want to do. Sure breathing a 20% oxygen mix is for chumps. Kick it up to 50%. See how free you are then. Free? I meant flammable.

The soundtrack to you life is a long low moan.

Wear more dresses. Wear as many as you can at the same time.

This is the last day that the sun will rise. I hope you have prepared your stores and your weapons.

10,000 hours of masturbation will not make you good at the trombone nor the banjo no matter what you may have imagined someone didn’t tell you.

You will be the next victim of The Eye Collector. It does exactly what you think it does.

You are the before segment of an infomercial. On a good day.

Horrorscope – Thursday 24th April 2014

 

Your face looks like a plate of breakfast food.

Your hands are invisible.

When everyone starts speaking to you in binary numbers, whatever you do, don’t reveal your ignorance. They will destroy you. Gather your things and make your way to the safe house.

Exit through the window.

You are the main course at this Demonic barbecue.

Loki is coming.

When you scream in existential agony people think you are laughing.

The Moon isn’t real. It’s a circle painted on a glass wall just past the horizon.

Capitalism is going to eat you. Chewing your bones and sucking out the tasty marrow. Could be worse, though.

Memories of growing up in a battery farm have been disturbing you lately. This is because you have been given the wrong medication. Best go see the doctor if you don’t want to be overwhelmed with the horrific truth.

There are no gods. Dogs rules this secret universe. Not the cats. It was never the cats.

Just because that doorframe is made of teeth doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t walk through it.

Horrorscope – Wednesday 23rd April 2014

 

No one can hear your silent protest.

You’re not racist you just like saying racist things and thinking racist thoughts.

Your slum landlord is about to ask for more than just rent.

You were born out of a magic egg.

You wake up to find that your skin has been turned inside out. Apart from the terrible agony the day continues as normal.

From here on in vampires will milk you like a cow. Except they will be taking blood instead of milk. Obviously. They are vampires. From where they will extract it is entirely at their discretion – because vampires.

When the Death Penalty returns to your Kingdom you will be the first to feel it’s cold, cold touch.

The Men in the Black Hats have been tracking you since birth and now your neon blood is all that stands between them and world domination.

You are the only Ghost in Human Town. It is nearly as lonely as being the only human in Ghost Town.

Jelly is sentient. It is sentient and it is slowly gathering. Better get the Crew back together.

Your beard is going to murder you.

You are a skeumorph.

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It will start dripping down the walls but you won’t be able to clean it up nor discover where it originates.

You’ve forgotten where you left your children. They’re probably safe, somewhere, doing something.

You’re about to be tazed. Halfway through reading that last sentence.

Take an umbrella with you to work today. There will be a lot of blood raining down from the purple skies.

Don’t press that button. Do press that button. Either way you’re going to lose a hand.

You are a horse trapped in a human body.

Meanwhile, back in time, there was hope then.

If you make it through today you should collect all the grapes you can for reasons I cannot yet divulge.

Your eyes are glowing. That’s odd.

You have been blacked out by the government.

Gorilla glue is made from gorillas elbow hair and sputum.

Cry. Cry. Don’t stop crying. You know why.

Horrorscope – Monday 21st April 2014

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It will start dripping down the walls but you won’t be able to clean it up nor discover where it originates.

You’ve forgotten where you left your children. They’re probably safe, somewhere, doing something.

You’re about to be tazed. Halfway through reading that last sentence.

Take an umbrella with you to work today. There will be a lot of blood raining down from the purple skies.

Don’t press that button. Do press that button. Either way you’re going to lose a hand.

You are a horse trapped in a human body.

Meanwhile, back in time, there was hope then.

If you make it through today you should collect all the grapes you can for reasons I cannot yet divulge.

Your eyes are glowing. That’s odd.

You have been blacked out by the government.

Gorilla glue is made from gorillas elbow hair and sputum.

Cry. Cry. Don’t stop crying. You know why.

Horrorscope – Monday 21st April 2014

Horrorscope – Tuesday 22nd April 2014

 

It will start dripping down the walls but you won’t be able to clean it up nor discover where it originates.

You’ve forgotten where you left your children. They’re probably safe, somewhere, doing something.

You’re about to be tazed. Halfway through reading that last sentence.

Take an umbrella with you to work today. There will be a lot of blood raining down from the purple skies.

Don’t press that button. Do press that button. Either way you’re going to lose a hand.

You are a horse trapped in a human body.

Meanwhile, back in time, there was hope then.

If you make it through today you should collect all the grapes you can for reasons I cannot yet divulge.

Your eyes are glowing. That’s odd.

You have been blacked out by the government.

Gorilla glue is made from gorillas elbow hair and sputum.

Cry. Cry. Don’t stop crying. You know why.

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Carl Sagan is disappointed with your progress but still thinks that you have potential.

Whenever you start to say “Some of my best friends are…”, you should realize that you actually don’t have any friends of any kind.

Soylent Growbags – don’t look at the ingredients, just enjoy the resulting glorious flowers.

You will be the first human to live on the Moon. Not for very long because you will die of some unknown disease after about a month, but they will make a plaque for you. So that’s nice.

No one knows where you are. You went missing after breakfast.

You are the 27th letter of the Roman Alphabet.

Every day when you leave the house tiny creatures enter through the air ducts and do their bathroom in all of your crockery.

In the future the most auspicious job will be Presidential Scrotum cleaner.

You have been finding it difficult to achieve your goals recently. That is because all of your goals are written in a language you cannot understand on a piece of paper that is hidden in a safety deposit box that has no door.

Why are you teetering on the edge? Come back inside and enjoy a nice cup of tea. We can talk about all of your problems here.

You are running out of steam. Go and buy more steam at the steam store. Get a family pack.

This week every day will feel like Monday. This is because you are stuck in a time loop. This week every day will feel like Monday. This is because you are stuck in a time loop.This week every day will feel like Monday. This is because you are stuck in a time loop. etc

Horrorscope – Monday 21st April 2014

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Carl Sagan is disappointed with your progress but still thinks that you have potential.

Whenever you start to say “Some of my best friends are…”, you should realize that you actually don’t have any friends of any kind.

Soylent Growbags – don’t look at the ingredients, just enjoy the resulting glorious flowers.

You will be the first human to live on the Moon. Not for very long because you will die of some unknown disease after about a month, but they will make a plaque for you. So that’s nice.

No one knows where you are. You went missing after breakfast.

You are the 27th letter of the Roman Alphabet.

Every day when you leave the house tiny creatures enter through the air ducts and do their bathroom in all of your crockery.

In the future the most auspicious job will be Presidential Scrotum cleaner.

You have been finding it difficult to achieve your goals recently. That is because all of your goals are written in a language you cannot understand on a piece of paper that is hidden in a safety deposit box that has no door.

Why are you teetering on the edge? Come back inside and enjoy a nice cup of tea. We can talk about all of your problems here.

You are running out of steam. Go and buy more steam at the steam store. Get a family pack.

This week every day will feel like Monday. This is because you are stuck in a time loop. This week every day will feel like Monday. This is because you are stuck in a time loop.This week every day will feel like Monday. This is because you are stuck in a time loop. etc

Horrorscope – Monday 21st April 2014

Horrorscope – Monday 21st April 2014

 

Carl Sagan is disappointed with your progress but still thinks that you have potential.

Whenever you start to say “Some of my best friends are…”, you should realize that you actually don’t have any friends of any kind.

Soylent Growbags – don’t look at the ingredients, just enjoy the resulting glorious flowers.

You will be the first human to live on the Moon. Not for very long because you will die of some unknown disease after about a month, but they will make a plaque for you. So that’s nice.

No one knows where you are. You went missing after breakfast.

You are the 27th letter of the Roman Alphabet.

Every day when you leave the house tiny creatures enter through the air ducts and do their bathroom in all of your crockery.

In the future the most auspicious job will be Presidential Scrotum cleaner.

You have been finding it difficult to achieve your goals recently. That is because all of your goals are written in a language you cannot understand on a piece of paper that is hidden in a safety deposit box that has no door.

Why are you teetering on the edge? Come back inside and enjoy a nice cup of tea. We can talk about all of your problems here.

You are running out of steam. Go and buy more steam at the steam store. Get a family pack.

This week every day will feel like Monday. This is because you are stuck in a time loop. This week every day will feel like Monday. This is because you are stuck in a time loop.This week every day will feel like Monday. This is because you are stuck in a time loop. etc

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You’re going to say something really racist today. Try to do it sooner rather than later. That way you can use the time until sunset trying to make amends.

Jesus is waiting in the shadows. He’s been watching you sleep.

If you find yourself wearing an Easter Bunny Costume, whatever you do, don’t start running.

With every new friend you gain you increase your chances of being killed by someone you know.

Those are not chocolate eggs.

Just because three nipples have grown on your forehead doesn’t mean you can’t go to church today.

Filling up that bag with food is a very good idea. Trying to leave without paying… that’s entirely up to you.

Prepare yourself for the fact that all of your personal effects are going to spring to life around noon.

Bread is to toast as you are to being lost in the desert for a week. Well done for still being alive.

Just as you begin your important speech you realize that not only are your notes blank but you are also in the wrong room. Good luck!

You should start a human taxidermy business. It will be a great success, trust me.

If you are still alive by the end of the day then those assassins really weren’t trying hard enough.

Horrorscope – Sunday 20th April 2014

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You’re going to say something really racist today. Try to do it sooner rather than later. That way you can use the time until sunset trying to make amends.

Jesus is waiting in the shadows. He’s been watching you sleep.

If you find yourself wearing an Easter Bunny Costume, whatever you do, don’t start running.

With every new friend you gain you increase your chances of being killed by someone you know.

Those are not chocolate eggs.

Just because three nipples have grown on your forehead doesn’t mean you can’t go to church today.

Filling up that bag with food is a very good idea. Trying to leave without paying… that’s entirely up to you.

Prepare yourself for the fact that all of your personal effects are going to spring to life around noon.

Bread is to toast as you are to being lost in the desert for a week. Well done for still being alive.

Just as you begin your important speech you realize that not only are your notes blank but you are also in the wrong room. Good luck!

You should start a human taxidermy business. It will be a great success, trust me.

If you are still alive by the end of the day then those assassins really weren’t trying hard enough.

Horrorscope – Sunday 20th April 2014

Horrorscope – Sunday 20th April 2014

 

You’re going to say something really racist today. Try to do it sooner rather than later. That way you can use the time until sunset trying to make amends.

Jesus is waiting in the shadows. He’s been watching you sleep.

If you find yourself wearing an Easter Bunny Costume, whatever you do, don’t start running.

With every new friend you gain you increase your chances of being killed by someone you know.

Those are not chocolate eggs.

Just because three nipples have grown on your forehead doesn’t mean you can’t go to church today.

Filling up that bag with food is a very good idea. Trying to leave without paying… that’s entirely up to you.

Prepare yourself for the fact that all of your personal effects are going to spring to life around noon.

Bread is to toast as you are to being lost in the desert for a week. Well done for still being alive.

Just as you begin your important speech you realize that not only are your notes blank but you are also in the wrong room. Good luck!

You should start a human taxidermy business. It will be a great success, trust me.

If you are still alive by the end of the day then those assassins really weren’t trying hard enough.

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Replacing all the water with blood at the aquarium was not a good idea.

At about 3pm you will discover the meaning of life. Then you will forget it.

A wizard can never go hom. YOU ARE THAT WIZARD.

If you wish to succeed then you are going to have to create more imaginative fantasies

You are what happened before The Big Bang.

Sir Sean Connery doesn’t like what you have been saying about him.

Learn to relax. It will improve your chances of calming The Kraken that will have you in it’s clutches later today.

You are allergic to nuts.

Your poems are amazing. Read them aloud at the first street corner you come to. Public laughter denotes praise not mockery.

Important things happen but only when you sleep.

The only cure for your current ailment is time travel.

In the near future you will become a noble gas. Which one isn’t clear but you will surely be invited to more parties and gallery openings.

Horrorscope – Friday 18th April 2014

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Replacing all the water with blood at the aquarium was not a good idea.

At about 3pm you will discover the meaning of life. Then you will forget it.

A wizard can never go hom. YOU ARE THAT WIZARD.

If you wish to succeed then you are going to have to create more imaginative fantasies

You are what happened before The Big Bang.

Sir Sean Connery doesn’t like what you have been saying about him.

Learn to relax. It will improve your chances of calming The Kraken that will have you in it’s clutches later today.

You are allergic to nuts.

Your poems are amazing. Read them aloud at the first street corner you come to. Public laughter denotes praise not mockery.

Important things happen but only when you sleep.

The only cure for your current ailment is time travel.

In the near future you will become a noble gas. Which one isn’t clear but you will surely be invited to more parties and gallery openings.

Horrorscope – Friday 18th April 2014

Horrorscope – Friday 18th April 2014

 

Replacing all the water with blood at the aquarium was not a good idea.

At about 3pm you will discover the meaning of life. Then you will forget it.

A wizard can never go home. YOU ARE THAT WIZARD.

If you wish to succeed then you are going to have to create more imaginative fantasies

You are what happened before The Big Bang.

Sir Sean Connery doesn’t like what you have been saying about him.

Learn to relax. It will improve your chances of calming The Kraken that will have you in it’s clutches later today.

You are allergic to nuts.

Your poems are amazing. Read them aloud at the first street corner you come to. Public laughter denotes praise not mockery.

Important things happen but only when you sleep.

The only cure for your current ailment is time travel.

In the near future you will become a noble gas. Which one isn’t clear but you will surely be invited to more parties and gallery openings.

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Zombie George Washington won’t stay in the basement forever.

It is always going to be one minute before the end of your shift. Get used to it. Forever.

That ghost costume you just bought at that clam rally is not a ghost costume. That was not a clam rally. There is no such thing as a clam rally.

You are Lord of the Dance.

Stop secretly adding an additional star to every old glory you come across. Stop doing that as well.

Your office smells like raw sewage. There are reasons for this but you will never be told what they are.

Poop. Everywhere. A description not a suggestion.

Today tarot rhymes with carrot and silent g is pronounced in all English words.

Next time you order pizza don’t accidentally call a bomb threat into the FBI.

Living in a block of concrete isn’t so bad now that you don’t have a choice.

You will be immune to the mighty power of lightning.

Stop being so passive-aggressive. Oh, never mind. Do what you like. See if I care.

Horrorscope – Wednesday 16th April 2014