Today you will feel like a trending hashtag. #confused
Howling. Scowling. Fouling. These lessons from school days will serve you well.
You are Big Brother.
All of this was a dream. Except for that bit. That bit was all too real. Don’t worry, the shuddering … More
You are mistaken. There is definitely a drawing here.
Today beware of bewaring.
Today – Walking for thinking, Running to clear your head And flying because of the giant cybernetic wings that have … More
You forgot to read your horoscope today. That is why today has been such a disaster. You do not know … More
All of your recent thoughts are mis-remembered celebrity tweets that you read last year.
Everything in moderation – except for moderation.
Your application to become the newest member of the US Supreme Court was successful. Congratulations!
It is recommended that you get your affairs in order and purchase a gravestone. All other matters remain unclear. Good … More
If you have a name then you are doomed. Only the Nameless will survive this day.
Here are five more:
Today you will discover that all the mirrors have stopped working.
Today you will waste your time reading a fake horoscope. This is that horoscope. The one you are reading now. … More
Your feet are on fire. I’m not complimenting your dancing. Your actual feet are actually on fire. Hang on there, … More
Unfortunately stupidity is now contagious. There is no cure. Except for books. But you can no longer read them because … More
When you woke up today it was yesterday. Don’t worry about tomorrow – it will be today; and by the … More
You forgot all about today.
All your money has turned into chocolate. You’re welcome.
Your tendency to find the best in people will do you well today. Look forward to new lungs, a new … More
Be wary of your eloquence today. Don’t come running to me when you find yourself leading a rag-tag band of … More
Today is the first day of the month. Isn’t it? Don’t be so sure. mwahahahahahahahahaha etc
Today your hugs will cure everything – AIDS, Cancer, Gout. But not loneliness. There is no cure for loneliness.
You are the kind of person who wears your heart on your sleeve. Your sleeve is soaked with blood and … More
Someone will give you a million dollars today. You just need to find which continent they are on. Good luck!
Today the weather will be happening everywhere. Look, it’s happening now, seeping under the door and through the windows. There … More
Today is going to be so awful I just can’t give you any details. Even thinking about what’s going to … More
You’re going to get fired today. Don’t worry, though, because after lunch you will be hired as a taxidermist. You … More
Today every question you ask will be answered with a question. This will frustrate you and make you wish you … More
Balance? Fuck balance.