Look after your inner child. If you don’t it will eat your tasty organs.
Every time a bell rings an angel does a fart. Christmas Science. You’re welcome.
If you have been naughty there is no hope for you. He will get through all of your defenses and … More
Today you will realize that everything you knew is wrong. Luckily you previously thought that the world was flat, apples … More
Today the end of the year creeps ever closer. There is no escaping it. Unless you are stuck in a … More
If you find yourself up the creek without a paddle You would be best to realize that even if you … More
Today success will come in the form of a bearded man handing out gifts. So if you see a Walt … More
Today is a day to count your blessings. You have seven but they are rapidly approaching their sell by date. … More
If you play your cards right you will have your own flag by the end of the day. If you … More
You better not shout, You better not cry, You better not pout, I’m telling you why Because no one can … More
Egg nog runs through Santa’s veins. That is why he remains untouched by vampires. You, however, will not be so … More
You will invent something incredible today. Oh, sorry, that’s been invented already. Sorry to get your hopes up.
You will need to wear your suit of armour today. This is a metaphor. Your real suit of armour should … More
Feel free to take candy from strangers today. However, if you find that you wake up in a bath tub … More
Be wary of being wary. Be careful about being careful. Don’t risk taking risks.
You will find some time during the morning that you have developed a prehensile tail. Take advantage of your new … More
Today you are Meryl Streep. This is as exciting as you think it is.
This morning time is going backwards so good evening to you. I’m sorry about your broken legs and the lupus. … More
Today you will be chased and eaten by a horde of cats. You probably won’t deserve it but cats have … More
Today when you wake up you will experience an entire day that will exhaust you. Then you will actually wake … More
Piano keys will not help you unlock this door. They will, however, be really useful as projectile weapons to be … More
Did you really think that you were going to get away with that? Well you did, no consequences. Congratulations. No-one … More
No, it’s not just you – those things in hats have been following you since your morning ablutions. You should … More
Don’t worry too much that the words in your newspaper are dripping off the page. Worry about the terrible price … More
Today you will try to convince everyone that Jeff Bezos is trying to take over the world. No one will … More
Even as you feel the life drain from your body, Be thankful that your corpse will be used as cross-training … More
It will come to your attention as the day progresses that you are not getting the attention you deserve. The … More
Today you will be the Thanksgiving leftovers for our Inter-dimensional Overlords. Baste yourself.
Thanksgiving. Today you will be filled with helium and stretched tight your limbs attached to rope as you are dragged … More
Where does all this energy come from? It comes from The Screaming Dead. That will teach you to ask questions.
You are a hybrid of human and horse. News doesn’t get much better than this today.
Good news – your hopes and dreams are going to come true. Bad news – your hopes and dreams involve … More
It is best that you start learning archery. You will learn for why soon enough.
Remember that thing you did last summer? Yes, I remember that too. *stares*
Too many cooks spoil the broth. If you must make broth out of cooks only use one cook.
Red sky at night sailors delight. Red sky in the morning – it’s far too late; the sailors have already … More
Red sky at night shepherds delight. Red sky in the morning – stay in your homes the sheperds have no … More