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All of this was a dream. Except for that bit. That bit was all too real. Don’t worry, the shuddering … More
You are mistaken. There is definitely a drawing here.
Today beware of bewaring.
Today – Walking for thinking, Running to clear your head And flying because of the giant cybernetic wings that have … More
You forgot to read your horoscope today. That is why today has been such a disaster. You do not know … More
All of your recent thoughts are mis-remembered celebrity tweets that you read last year.
Everything in moderation – except for moderation.
Your application to become the newest member of the US Supreme Court was successful. Congratulations!
It is recommended that you get your affairs in order and purchase a gravestone. All other matters remain unclear. Good … More
If you have a name then you are doomed. Only the Nameless will survive this day.
Today you will discover that all the mirrors have stopped working.
Today you will waste your time reading a fake horoscope. This is that horoscope. The one you are reading now. … More
Your feet are on fire. I’m not complimenting your dancing. Your actual feet are actually on fire. Hang on there, … More
Unfortunately stupidity is now contagious. There is no cure. Except for books. But you can no longer read them because … More
When you woke up today it was yesterday. Don’t worry about tomorrow – it will be today; and by the … More
You forgot all about today.
All your money has turned into chocolate. You’re welcome.
Your tendency to find the best in people will do you well today. Look forward to new lungs, a new … More
Be wary of your eloquence today. Don’t come running to me when you find yourself leading a rag-tag band of … More
Today is the first day of the month. Isn’t it? Don’t be so sure. mwahahahahahahahahaha etc
Today your hugs will cure everything – AIDS, Cancer, Gout. But not loneliness. There is no cure for loneliness.
You are the kind of person who wears your heart on your sleeve. Your sleeve is soaked with blood and … More
Someone will give you a million dollars today. You just need to find which continent they are on. Good luck!
Today the weather will be happening everywhere. Look, it’s happening now, seeping under the door and through the windows. There … More
Today is going to be so awful I just can’t give you any details. Even thinking about what’s going to … More
You’re going to get fired today. Don’t worry, though, because after lunch you will be hired as a taxidermist. You … More
Today every question you ask will be answered with a question. This will frustrate you and make you wish you … More
Balance? Fuck balance.
Your missing keys are exactly where you last left them. No, I’m not telling you where that is.
Half way through the day all the bananas will disappear. Be on the look out until sunset. We do not … More
At around lunch time all your fingers will become teeth and all your teeth will become fingers. This is easily … More
Remember the last time you had sex? That’s the last time you are ever going to have sex.
Today you will meet a tall and handsome stranger. It is the last thing you will ever do.
Every time a bell rings sound waves emanate from the bell and if they bounce off the workings of the … More
Today will be a day for animalistic sexual congress and meaningless libertine rhetoric.
Don’t give up no matter how hard it gets because if you do that explosive collar around your neck will … More
The happiest moment you will ever experience happened yesterday while you were busy doing something else. Sorry, but it’s not … More
The automated voice on the bus is a trapped spirit caught for all eternity in it’s mobile metal prison.
Public transport is not your friend today. Steal a car. Don’t worry, though, you won’t get caught.
Don’t go to the bathroom today. SERIOUSLY. DON’T GO!
Do not be afraid of making a big mistake today. By the time you make that big mistake you will … More
Every time a bell rings an angel has a tummy orgasm.
What year is this? WHAT YEAR IS THIS?!
Werewolves: they were wolves. What they are now who can say but you can be sure of this… they have … More
An unusual job offer sees you traveling through time to the land of the dinosaurs, accidentally killing a butterfly and … More
Don’t mention to anyone that you see the sky bleeding.
Tomorrow everything is going to go really well. Today, however, is going to be a total horrorshow.
That’s right, everyone is staring at you today, everyone.
Do not worry about not being the coolest person in the room today. You have never been cool so there … More
Ignore the figure standing in the shadows. Ignore it!
Everyone wearing sunglasses today has teeth in their eye sockets.
Only take right turns today.
Don’t worry if people seem to be ignoring you today. You are a ghost and this is a totally normal … More
Your new fridge is a gateway to The Stygian Abyss. Under no circumstances are you to open it unless you … More
If you play your cards right you could be lucky enough to leave that cellar with all your own teeth. … More
You are correct – all the trees are plotting your downfall.
Everyone you meet today was watching you sleep on a hidden webcam last night.
Don’t focus on the little things. Take care of the invading Alien Horde and the little things will take care … More
You are definitely a racist. The more you deny it the more of a racist you are. Those are the … More
Don’t worry about your genitals. No one has any use for them.
All hail The Algorithm!