Horrorscope – Monday January 20th 2014


horrorscopes title

Beware of the screaming that only you can hear. Don't tell anyone. Just beware of it.

Beware of the screaming that only you can hear. Don’t tell anyone. Just beware of it.

Today you will welcome a ghost into your life.

Today you will welcome a ghost into your life.

2014 is going to be a great year. Not for you but for everyone you hate.2014 is going to be a great year. Not for you but…

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Horrorscope – Monday January 20th 2014


horrorscopes title

Beware of the screaming that only you can hear. Don't tell anyone. Just beware of it.

Beware of the screaming that only you can hear. Don’t tell anyone. Just beware of it.

Today you will welcome a ghost into your life.

Today you will welcome a ghost into your life.

2014 is going to be a great year. Not for you but for everyone you hate.2014 is going to be a great year. Not for you but…

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Horrorscope – Monday January 20th 2014


horrorscopes title

I should have warned you about that quicksand yesterday. On the plus side at least you know where your family are now and the burial costs are no longer a worry.
Beware of the screaming that only you can hear. Don’t tell anyone. Just beware of it.

 

How many hearts do you really need? Oh, at least one? That's going to be a problem round about lunchtime.
Today you will welcome a ghost into your life.
All the world is a stage and you just forgot all of your lines.
2014 will be a great year. Not for you but for everyone that you hate.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Snow. Snow. Snow. You are made of snow.
Whatever happened yesterday is in the past. Leave it there. Really, if you don’t then you will surely be turned into a fine paste.
You are wearing too much make up.
Your legs will look perfect for one minute.
You are not wearing enough make up.
Samples of your own fluids do not make for good gifts.
Stop eating make up.
When you planned to start a new career you should not have decided on nude lion taming.
You wake up wearing a large Mickey Mouse suit tied to a chair in a room with no windows. Your guess is as good as mine.
How many people will bump into you today? A lot of people, that’s how many.
If only you hadn't taken that rune covered box. You wouldn't be hiding from that thing now.
You have a bow, a quiver of arrows and you are half-horse. You are a boss.
Yes - you are on fire. No - it's not going to get any less painful. Yes - it's your own fault.
Clawed out eyes are in your future.
Your plan to take over the world with an army of mice is reaching fruition. Keep up the good work.
Prepare to lose a kidney today after waking up in a bath of ice.
After you send your hair to strangers in the post you will surely meet lots of new people.
No matter how hard you apply positive thinking you will still not grow gills.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Poetry Pot – An Apology, in Advance, to the Memory of Emma Lazarus.


I never like to explain poems but here I am explaining a poem.

I was irritated, this morning, as with most mornings, at what Twitter had vomited out to the world after the announcement of the new Miss USA contest. Now I am not particular fan nor enemy of…

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Poetry Pot – An Apology, in Advance, to the Memory of Emma Lazarus.


I never like to explain poems but here I am explaining a poem.

I was irritated, this morning, as with most mornings, at what Twitter had vomited out to the world after the announcement of the new Miss USA contest. Now I am not particular fan nor enemy of…

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Poetry Pot – An Apology, in Advance, to the Memory of Emma Lazarus.


I never like to explain poems but here I am explaining a poem.

I was irritated, this morning, as with most mornings, at what Twitter had vomited out to the world after the announcement of the new Miss USA contest. Now I am not particular fan nor enemy of the Miss USA competition. It is a particularly American form of demeaning women by making them bark facts and do tricks but everyone enters into it with as much of a freewill as any one can ever enter into anything and it is, even though oppressive in the subtle ways that our patriarchy oppresses all women, not the worst thing that a woman can, in this day and age, experience. I am not a woman so I cannot say this for sure but that is the basis upon which I have feelings regarding the Miss USA competition. From Twitter there came various hateful comments regarding the Indian American winner. They are widely available on the internet. I shall not repeat them here. So in response to a comment made by a friend about how awful this was I appropriated a line from The New Colossus by Emma Lazarus and adapted it for my needs. It is, I believe, the most famous of all the lines and is rendered below:

“Give me your tired, your poor,
Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,
The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.”

Later, as I pondered my changed version I decided to change the whole poem to reflect my views, at the very present moment on social media. The irony of me transmitting this through social media is not lost on me. What can one say other than that I am a hippocrit. So be it – I find myself guilty as charged.

So here, without further ado, and a lengthy introduction which does not deserve my brutalisation, or your time, I present you with An Apology, in Advance, to the Memory of Emma Lazarus:

Not like the eyeless spawn of silicate shame,
With writhing limbs lumbering from gland to gland;
Here at our broken toothed, fiery gates shall stand
A soiled beacon with a stump, whose flame
Is the searing lie, and it’s name
Moloch’s Minion. From it’s bloodied-hand
Burns world-wide fury; her wild sockets command
The air-thick with rage that prejudices frame.
“Keep, ancient tomes, your  words!” cries she
With silent lips. “Give me your racist, your sexist,
Your homophobic masses yearning to speak hate,
The wretched moral refuse of your inner world.
Send these, the bankrupt, lunatics to me,
I lift my stump beside the flaming maw!”


mattbors:

Instant comic!

Nailed it.

His speech was like a horoscope.

“You are a solitary sole but you also like to be with those you love. You have times when you are immensely angry at the world but you also show everyone you meet how loving and caring you are.” etc etc


mattbors:

Instant comic!

Nailed it.

His speech was like a horoscope.

“You are a solitary sole but you also like to be with those you love. You have times when you are immensely angry at the world but you also show everyone you meet how loving and caring you are.” etc etc

Red Moleskine Art Book


So it would appear that I’ve done quite a lot of these.

Here they all are together.

Culture of Illusion – Parameters of Good and Evil.


I’ve been away for a while but I’ve been working on very important things.

 

Like this:

 

EXTENT OF GOOD AND EVIL

 

You see.

(YOU REALLY NEED TO CLICK ON MY AWESOME DIAGRAM TO MAKE IT WORTHWHILE AND IT IS SO WORTHWHILE.)

 

I told you I was working on Important Things.

 

 

Culture of Illusion – The Stretched Twig of Peace is At Melting Point.


Sometimes, when I’m at work, it feels just like this:

Champing at the bit for explosions on the Korean peninsular today.

Culture of Illusion – Why Bear Wrestling is Destroying the Youth of Today.


Wendy’s is a fine family restaurant chain with their rectangular burgers, their tasty free milkshakes offers and their bear fighting. It is probably a little known fact that bear fighting is a part of the Wendy’s brand. I was unaware of this until I saw the gift that appeared in the meal of the child that I was with. It came with two unassuming plastic bears, both of whom you will meet in a minute, and these delightful instructions:

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Wrestle!

Now the game itself is a variant on the classic throwing things up in the air and then getting points from how they land. There is nothing wrong with that. There is nothing wrong with throwing things up in the air and then getting points from how they land on the flat surface that they end up resting on. Yet my mind is conflicted. Bear Wrestling? This is what we are teaching our children? No wonder they all become drug addicts and criminals always disappointing us and ruining society with their noises and their smells. If we tell them that bear wrestling is okay what else are we supposed to expect?

Have Wendy’s planned a whole series of these sordid games? Perhaps Michael Vick’s Dog Fighting? Jerry Seinfeld’s Cock Boxing? (I apologize to both Mr. Vick, who has served his time, and to Mr. Seinfeld for who there is no evidence that he has ever indulged in any kind of cock boxing. I am merely offering unsourced examples to make my point.)

Then my eye was drawn to the title of the game – Zookeeper…

What kind of twisted world do the creators of this game live in that they think that Zookeepers indulge in the sport of bear wrestling? Do they imagine that, when the gates close and the lights dim at the local zoo, the staff come out and then force the creatures under their care to participate in a complex series of Hunger Games style trials until the sun rises the next day? Do the elephants have to get encased in thick armour and force to wear large spikes before running round an oval track, the winner given food – the losers crushed under some kind of as to be determined elephant crushing machine? Do the lizards play Russian Roulette for sunlight? What of the butterflies? Are they harnessed and forced to dance up and down the greasy poles of zookeeper lust?

These are only questions. I am only asking the questions. It is up to the zoo community to provide the answers.

Regardless of these accusations which I haven’t made let us look closer at the hideous rules that our children must follow in order to play this Zookeeper sponsored bear wrestling. Each child gets a bear, a bear much like this dead eyed looking creature:

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Please kill me, the bear pleaded as you stared into it’s cold dead eye.

Then each child throws their bear. If they do not wrestle, not in this instance tear at one another with their massive paws and their jagged face ripping teeth, but if they touch, THEN THEY MUST WRESTLE AGAIN! THERE WILL BE NO RESPITE FOR THE FIGHTING BEARS! NONE!

After five rounds of this brutal dance of death a human winner is declared and so the cycle continues.

So what, may you ask, are the various scores? Here are the various scores:

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The revenge of the bear against the zookeeper will not be a pretty one.

Just to test out these rules I tried to roll all of them. I am nothing if not randomly thorough:

1 POINT:

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Why have you not put me out of my misery?

This is what happens when a bear falls. Pretty much every time you get one point.

2 POINTS:

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I surrender.

This happened somewhat infrequently but it’s still possible to get a couple of points like this. If you are inhuman enough to play such a violent game that is destroying our children.

3 POINTS:

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So terribly afraid.

This is also possible. You can get points for this as you watch society crumble.

4 POINTS:

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Forgive me Ancient Bear Gods for I just ate a zookeeper.

This one is, and sorry for being rude, fucking impossible. I tried for at least fifteen minutes. You will never get this one no matter how flat the surface or how patient you think you are.

5 POINTS:

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I AM NOT A CIRCUS PERFORMER! I AM A BEAR!

This one is even more impossible than the last one. So fucking impossible that I only tried it for five minutes. It was even difficult to balance the beast like this with a flat surface and what little patience remained to me from earlier. At this point they were really just filling up space on their instruction card. YOU WILL NEVER GET THIS ONE. EVER.

So you battle for five rounds. Then the child with the highest points wins. Then they put these back in a drawer or probably just leave them on the floor for you to step on later because THEY HATE YOU and then you yell at them and then you throw them out of the window.

Then you bring them back inside and you put them in a series of  new positions and ascribe points to them:

100 POINTS:

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“I love you.” “I love you too.” “Let’s not fight.” ‘We must. The Zookeeper has our children.’

1000 POINTS:

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“Yes.” “Yes.” “Oh. That’s never happened before.” “That’s okay.” “Can we just cuddle?”

1,000,000 POINTS:

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“This life is not the life I had planned.”

As Many Points as You Feel are Suitable:

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“I’m stuck.”

Then if your children want the game back show them this:

Yes they may have nightmares and develop a nervous tick that wasn’t there before but you will have taught them a valuable lesson about the power of nature and that Zookeepers are the most dangerous people on the planet.

You are welcome.

Culture of Illusion – Do French Women Masturbate?


I ask this very rude and coarse question simply because the premise of this rather amusing video seems to rest on that very fact:

Perhaps they do and they just never tell the French Men.

Perhaps they are angry that their own sexual needs are never considered.

Perhaps they are irritated that they are seen as little more than objects to be used to satisfy the relentless lusting of men.

Perhaps they are sick of being treated like second class citizens.

Perhaps the mythical love making of the Frenchman is just that, a myth.

Perhaps. Perhaps. Perhaps.

Oh wait, this is probably all women and all men throughout all Time.

You don’t need to tell me.

It is really none of my business.

Culture of Illusion – I Give Up.


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I don’t want to be a curmudeonly technophobe who keeps railing at everything he sees in the world but I just can’t help myself when I see things like this.

I can only assume that reality as I imagine it to be and reality as it is are two places that are never going to cross paths.

I’m going to make a cup of tea. For the rest of my life.

Culture of Illusion – No one is coming to save us.


Now clearly this whole sequence, near the end of the Disney version of Pinocchio, is a delightful and subversive critique of the dark side of the American Dream.

However, the question I have to ask myself is this – when will Jiminy Cricket be arriving to save us from the Coachman?

Jiminy? Jiminy? Are you there? We’re waiting.

If you don’t come soon then we’re just going to have to go ahead and save ourselves and that is going to require effort.

Culture of Illusion – The Lorax crushes Idealism.


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EVEN THE LORAX

ON HIS SMALL YELLOW STUMP

FELT A THICKENING FEELING

GROW WITH A LUMP AND A BUMP

AS HE SAW MONEY PILE HIGH

RIGHT UP PAST HIS THROAT.

THE ONCELER WAS RIGHT,

HE THOUGHT WITH A SIGH.

EVERYONE HAS A PRICE

AND NOW SO DO I.

I wrote this when The Lorax was first released because I was irritated that the characters from the film were being used to sell cars:

Admittedly they were hybrid cars but it seemed to fly in the face of everything that Dr. Seuss, his friend Theodor Geisel and the whole meaning of the original Lorax story stood for.

I have updated this post with the above comment because I am still fucking irritated by the whole concept. For those who have not had the pleasure of reading The Lorax the message is pretty clear. It is a moral warning against the excesses of Industrial Capitalism. So it fills my throat with bile, bile that has flowed up from my stomach, to see the characters for a story that is explicitly warning against the kind of rampant consumerist capitalism, that car companies have been instrumental in creating and perpetrating, are used to hawk their products.

The only way I can express my fucking irritation is in my tiny little blog.

So here I am Fighting the Power.

I am definitely still fucking irritated but I cannot deny that The Lorax commercial is beautifully animated and I am a sucker for fine animation.

Oh how hilarious The Real World is. I don’t understand one moment of it.

I must go for a drive in my air conditioned car to calm down.


I was very excited because The Naked Cowboy did put down his name for the race for The White House 2012. 

I then realised the last time I had heard this story was late in 2010 so I thought I’d check up on his campaign as I hadn’t seen him at any of the debates.

To my horror, on clicking on this website: http://nc4president.com/ I found that his subscription had lapsed. NOOOOOOOOOOOO! Today is the day that democracy truly died. Truly. Died. Not Truly Scrumptious, no, Truly Died.

(Thank you for the Chitty-Chitty Bang Bang joke; you are welcome.)

In my despair I continue to search for cowboy nakedness and thankfully discovered he has a reality show on Youtube. So click his picture and enjoy, as I enjoyed, the greatest 10 minutes of my life. You can then worry, as I did, as to how long he will be allowed to use the opening credits of The Sopranos, without being beaten around the ankles with lead piping, by HBO.


I was very excited because The Naked Cowboy did put down his name for the race for The White House 2012. 

I then realised the last time I had heard this story was late in 2010 so I thought I’d check up on his campaign as I hadn’t seen him at any of the debates.

To my horror, on clicking on this website: http://nc4president.com/ I found that his subscription had lapsed. NOOOOOOOOOOOO! Today is the day that democracy truly died. Truly. Died. Not Truly Scrumptious, no, Truly Died.

(Thank you for the Chitty-Chitty Bang Bang joke; you are welcome.)

In my despair I continue to search for cowboy nakedness and thankfully discovered he has a reality show on Youtube. So click his picture and enjoy, as I enjoyed, the greatest 10 minutes of my life. You can then worry, as I did, as to how long he will be allowed to use the opening credits of The Sopranos, without being beaten around the ankles with lead piping, by HBO.