It snowed a while ago. Here are four photographs.
Piano keys will not help you unlock this door. They will, however, be really useful as projectile weapons to be … More
Did you really think that you were going to get away with that? Well you did, no consequences. Congratulations. No-one … More
No, it’s not just you – those things in hats have been following you since your morning ablutions. You should … More
Don’t worry too much that the words in your newspaper are dripping off the page. Worry about the terrible price … More
Today you will try to convince everyone that Jeff Bezos is trying to take over the world. No one will … More
Even as you feel the life drain from your body, Be thankful that your corpse will be used as cross-training … More
It will come to your attention as the day progresses that you are not getting the attention you deserve. The … More
Today you will be the Thanksgiving leftovers for our Inter-dimensional Overlords. Baste yourself.
Thanksgiving. Today you will be filled with helium and stretched tight your limbs attached to rope as you are dragged … More
Where does all this energy come from? It comes from The Screaming Dead. That will teach you to ask questions.
You are a hybrid of human and horse. News doesn’t get much better than this today.
Good news – your hopes and dreams are going to come true. Bad news – your hopes and dreams involve … More
It is best that you start learning archery. You will learn for why soon enough.
Remember that thing you did last summer? Yes, I remember that too. *stares*
Too many cooks spoil the broth. If you must make broth out of cooks only use one cook.
Red sky at night sailors delight. Red sky in the morning – it’s far too late; the sailors have already … More
Red sky at night shepherds delight. Red sky in the morning – stay in your homes the sheperds have no … More
Hell is not other people. It is you.
Hummus is not what you think it is.
It’s all going to be okay. Yes, don’t worry. Just put this bag on your head And sit down in … More
You are a construct made in the Factory of your Ideology.
Well-wishers will be knocking at your door. Do not let them in. They bring nothing but tragedy.
Ignore the sirens.
You had better unbury that “body” because the council are about to dig up the area in order to install … More
When life gives you lemons You can makes all sorts of things with lemons. Stop complaining. Someone has just given … More
Good things come to those who wait. Unless all the good things are just go around the corner out of … More
If you use the assembly instructions you received with your wardrobe to put together your table You will discover that … More
You should definitely press that button no matter how many times you are warned not to.
You will forget how to words today. Don’t worry no one will notice because no one ever notices anything you … More
Don’t worry. Worrying is futile In the Face of Certain Doom.
Make it a talking point with your colleagues by wearing snowshoes to work. This will increase your chances of promotion … More
You’re not being radical enough. Time to get up on the barricade.
Just because Monday rhymes with Funday Does not mean that it is going to be a fun day today. Stay … More
Yes, that is ectoplasm coming out of your mouth. Don’t worry, The fear will soon pass To be replaced by … More
All Your Base Are Belong to Me. Hand them over, please.
Everything will happen today. EVERYTHING.
When those around you start to spontaneously combust simply ignore them and continue on with your business.
Truly you are your brother’s keeper. Whatever you do, make sure you keep his cage locked. If he gets out, … More
How do you know what is going to happen to you today? Because now you can see the future. Enjoy … More
Today you will reflect on your childhood. The mirror you hold up to the past will be dirty and hard … More
That pile of chocolate will not eat itself. It will eat you. RUN!
It is only my birthday today. There will be no birthday celebrations for anyone else. I am sorry if you … More
Stay away from poison. It is poisonous.
Today you will feel like a trending hashtag. #confused
Howling. Scowling. Fouling. These lessons from school days will serve you well.
You are Big Brother.
All of this was a dream. Except for that bit. That bit was all too real. Don’t worry, the shuddering … More
You are mistaken. There is definitely a drawing here.
Today beware of bewaring.
Today – Walking for thinking, Running to clear your head And flying because of the giant cybernetic wings that have … More
You forgot to read your horoscope today. That is why today has been such a disaster. You do not know … More
All of your recent thoughts are mis-remembered celebrity tweets that you read last year.
Everything in moderation – except for moderation.
Your application to become the newest member of the US Supreme Court was successful. Congratulations!
It is recommended that you get your affairs in order and purchase a gravestone. All other matters remain unclear. Good … More
If you have a name then you are doomed. Only the Nameless will survive this day.
THIS BOOK WILL TEACH YOU NOTHING BY ZARTOSHT KUIPERS (2013)
Today you will discover that all the mirrors have stopped working.
Today you will waste your time reading a fake horoscope. This is that horoscope. The one you are reading now. … More
Your feet are on fire. I’m not complimenting your dancing. Your actual feet are actually on fire. Hang on there, … More
Unfortunately stupidity is now contagious. There is no cure. Except for books. But you can no longer read them because … More
When you woke up today it was yesterday. Don’t worry about tomorrow – it will be today; and by the … More
You forgot all about today.
All your money has turned into chocolate. You’re welcome.
Your tendency to find the best in people will do you well today. Look forward to new lungs, a new … More
Be wary of your eloquence today. Don’t come running to me when you find yourself leading a rag-tag band of … More
Today is the first day of the month. Isn’t it? Don’t be so sure. mwahahahahahahahahaha etc
Today your hugs will cure everything – AIDS, Cancer, Gout. But not loneliness. There is no cure for loneliness.
You are the kind of person who wears your heart on your sleeve. Your sleeve is soaked with blood and … More
Someone will give you a million dollars today. You just need to find which continent they are on. Good luck!
Today the weather will be happening everywhere. Look, it’s happening now, seeping under the door and through the windows. There … More
Today is going to be so awful I just can’t give you any details. Even thinking about what’s going to … More
You’re going to get fired today. Don’t worry, though, because after lunch you will be hired as a taxidermist. You … More
Today every question you ask will be answered with a question. This will frustrate you and make you wish you … More
Balance? Fuck balance.
Your missing keys are exactly where you last left them. No, I’m not telling you where that is.
Half way through the day all the bananas will disappear. Be on the look out until sunset. We do not … More
At around lunch time all your fingers will become teeth and all your teeth will become fingers. This is easily … More
Remember the last time you had sex? That’s the last time you are ever going to have sex.
Today you will meet a tall and handsome stranger. It is the last thing you will ever do.
Every time a bell rings sound waves emanate from the bell and if they bounce off the workings of the … More
Today will be a day for animalistic sexual congress and meaningless libertine rhetoric.
Don’t give up no matter how hard it gets because if you do that explosive collar around your neck will … More
The happiest moment you will ever experience happened yesterday while you were busy doing something else. Sorry, but it’s not … More
The automated voice on the bus is a trapped spirit caught for all eternity in it’s mobile metal prison.
Public transport is not your friend today. Steal a car. Don’t worry, though, you won’t get caught.
Don’t go to the bathroom today. SERIOUSLY. DON’T GO!
Do not be afraid of making a big mistake today. By the time you make that big mistake you will … More
Every time a bell rings an angel has a tummy orgasm.
What year is this? WHAT YEAR IS THIS?!
DO YOU SENSE HOW ALL THE PARTS OF A GOOD PICTURE ARE INVOLVED WITH EACH OTHER, NOT JUST PLACED SIDE … More
Werewolves: they were wolves. What they are now who can say but you can be sure of this… they have … More