He wakes up. He is nervous about drones. He is nervous about drinking too much coffee. He is nervous about his white patriarchal privilege. He is nervous about the folded in unconscious racism that is his legacy. Likewise sexism. Likewise homophobia. He is nervous about the too hot shower and then the too cold shower. He is nervous that the shower has not cleaned him and that even with the deodorant the stink of his body is emanating from every pore – a visible cloud following him to the bus. He is nervous about the looks he gives other people. He is nervous for not giving a man a quarter when he did not happen to have a quarter. He is nervous about misrepresenting Miley Cyrus as a racist to a small child. He is nervous about the surveillance state. He is nervous about Nuclear War. He is nervous about President Rouhani. He is nervous about President Obama. He is nervous about Brazil. He is nervous about President Rousseff. He is nervous during his therapy. He is nervous about not doing enough work. He is nervous about doing too much work. He is nervous that he is being surveilled. He is nervous that he is being ignored. He is nervous that he is getting old. He is nervous that he is making prisons for himself. He is nervous that he isn’t important to warrant a back ground check. He is nervous that he is an imposter and his real self has been renditioned to a black site somewhere in a nameless country a bag on his head and his wrists in manacles. He is nervous that he is about to lose his job. He is nervous that he has no savings. He is nervous. He goes to sleep.
He wakes up. All is well with the world. He spent a weekend disconnected from social media and from the news and from virtual interaction but embraced elements of real interaction with real humans with all of there flaws and their strengths. Then he listens to the radio as he drinks his coffee and he hears about the third day of the siege at The Westlake Mall and he nearly spits out his coffee as he listens but he doesn’t really spit out his coffee but he is shocked and stunned because The Westlake Mall is just five minutes from his house and he knew nothing of the siege or maybe it is the one that is ten minutes away. There are after all a lot of Westlake Malls in the area and then he listens to the story a little more and he realises that the Westlake Mall they are talking about is in Nairobi and he breathes slightly easier because it is not in driving distance but then he learns about the horror and the stampeding and the murders and the professional terrorists of Al Shabab and he thinks back to a conversation he was having last week with a colleague about the Navy Yard shooter and how easy it would be for a small group of dedicated warriors to enter a mall or enter a public space just as they did in Mumbai and just as it now seems they have done in Nairobi and cause chaos and murder and death and here they are doing the thing that he was talking about with a colleague and it was bound to happen eventually and talking about it doesn’t make it so but it’s an interesting synchronicity that he ponders as he makes his way into work wondering at the fear and the horror of the civilians and as he scours the photographs taken so that he can use suitable photographs he tries not to cry but it is very hard to cry and he cannot talk and his throat is lumped and his eyes wet as he looks at the pictures of the children and the pictures of the adults and the fear on the faces and the confusion and the pain and the suffering and even despite this he is glad that he still feels empathy even as he has to keep looking through these horrific images for suitable images he does not find that he is deadened to the horror and that is a good thing but it is a painful thing but it at least means that is at least for today and for now at the preferable end of the continuum that is defined as human. Then he learns about terrified adults trampling children and then he learns about heroic adults protecting children and then he learns about the large number of Americans in the group of terrorists and then he learns about the London base of operations that the terrorists PR seemed to be using so he wonders if America will be attacked and if the UK will be attacked because it seems that both of these countries are harboring terrorists or breeding terrorists or creating terrorists so it is time to act to be strong to show no quarter to strike at the very heart of the scourge but then of course that is silly but it does make him realize that this terrorist threat is a little bit more complex than one would like, One would like good guys and bad guys us and them we and they. Are they murdering women and children because their women and children were murdered because they feel aggrieved at some real or perceived slight. He does not know the answer but he does know that they have done monstrous things and this monstrous things will be held up and they will be judged for them just as other monstrous things are done by other groups are accidents or unfortunate or terrible mistakes so it seems that intention is important and intention is important but sometimes it is not enough. Then he has some mixed nuts and fruit and a very large coffee and he watches as a climate science denier is given space in what is otherwise a balanced and reasonable report on global warming which seems ludicrous but the he isn’t in charge of editorial content and will never be as long as he believes what he believes about the world the world that is it seems made up of infinite quantum jewels that seem to disprove that space or time exist or gravity or sense or logic or reason but if there are none of these things then what is this thing life what is it? He does not know. He storms past the young couple he accidentally stalked all the way home the other day. He is in no mood to do this a second time. Then he makes some fried rice which is quite tasty and then he watches some Breaking Bad. He is only on Season 2 and he is with desperation and futility attempting to watch all of them so he can watch the final episode this coming Sunday without having it ruined for him by everyone on the internet who will talk about it and analyze it and then move onto the next show. Then he reads some of The United State of Paranoia which is probably a false flag operation to make it seem like there are no conspiracies, he jokes. Which could also be a joke. It is a very good book that he is enjoying. Then he feels glad that he has paid off an old debt and tries to forget all of the other debts he had financial and otherwise. Then he goes to sleep.