Horror Scope – Sagittarius 6th December.

Piano keys will not help you unlock this door.

They will, however, be really useful as projectile weapons to be thrown at the on-coming horde.

If only you can prise them out of their fittings – maybe then you will have a fighting chance.

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Horror Scope – Sagittarius 5th December.

Did you really think that you were going to get away with that?

Well you did, no consequences.


No-one will suspect a thing and the organ chewing guilt will become manageable soon enough.

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Horror Scope – Sagittarius 4th December.

No, it’s not just you – those things in hats have been following you since your morning ablutions.

You should never have invited them into the shower.

There will be no escaping their relentless gaze now.

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Horror Scope – Sagittarius 3rd December.

Don’t worry too much that the words in your newspaper are dripping off the page.

Worry about the terrible price that will be exacted,

by the sentient being formed from the black ooze,

after your final wish.


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Horror Scope – Sagittarius 2nd December.

Today you will try to convince everyone that Jeff Bezos is trying to take over the world.

No one will believe you,

Until years later when the uniformed jack-booted foot soldiers of Bezos’ private child army

comes for them and their families in their Amazon life-cubicles.

Then they’ll believe you.

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Horror Scope – Sagittarius 1st December

Even as you feel the life drain from your body,

Be thankful that your corpse will be used as cross-training equipment for the Silicon Valley Power Elite.

Your brain soup will make them strong.

Your tears will fuel their start-ups.

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Horror Scope – Sagittarius 30th November

It will come to your attention as the day progresses that you are not getting the attention you deserve.

The flashy brooch you purchase and pin to your lapel will make little difference.

Yet still you persevere.

You optimistic fool.

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Horror Scope – Sagittarius 29th November

Today you will be the Thanksgiving leftovers for our Inter-dimensional Overlords.

Baste yourself.


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Horror Scope – Sagittarius 28th November


Today you will be filled with helium and stretched tight your limbs attached to rope as you are dragged through the streets of New York.

As is traditional.

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Horror Scope – Sagittarius 27th November

Where does all this energy come from?

It comes from The Screaming Dead.

That will teach you to ask questions.

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Horror Scope – Sagittarius 25th November

Good news  – your hopes and dreams are going to come true.

Bad news – your hopes and dreams involve having your brain inserted into an indestructible killer robot with a unquenchable thirst for human destruction.

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Horror Scope – Scorpio 21st November

Red sky at night sailors delight.

Red sky in the morning – it’s far too late; the sailors have already captured all the high ground and your defeat is assured.


Horror Scope – Scorpio 20th November

Red sky at night shepherds delight.

Red sky in the morning – stay in your homes the sheperds have no yet finished feasting on human flesh.


Horror Scope – Scorpio 17th November

It’s all going to be okay.

Yes, don’t worry.

Just put this bag on your head

And sit down in that box.

Totally safe.


Horror Scope – Scorpio 13th November

You had better unbury that “body” because the council are about to dig up the area in order to install an ice-rink.

This is definitely a metaphor.
Yes, don’t take it literally.

(Take it literally. Go now!)


Horror Scope – Scorpio 12th November

When life gives you lemons

You can makes all sorts of things with lemons.

Stop complaining.

Someone has just given you lemons, you ungrateful cur.


Horror Scope – Scorpio 11th November

Good things come to those who wait.

Unless all the good things are just go around the corner out of sight and hearing.

Why not go and check.

Don’t worry, it’s not a trap…

I said it’s NOT a trap.

That’s right, just down at the end of the alleyway – through the neon lit door.

All the Good Things are waiting for you.

Breathing heavily – licking their lips with anticipation.


Horror Scope – Scorpio 10th November

If you use the assembly instructions you received with your wardrobe to put together your table

You will discover that you have created a wooden portal to another dimension.

It is one way only so tread carefully.


Horror Scope – Scorpio 8th November

You will forget how to words today.

Don’t worry no one will notice because no one ever notices anything you do.


Horror Scope – Scorpio 6th November

Make it a talking point with your colleagues by wearing snowshoes to work.

This will increase your chances of promotion and a raise.

This is an indisputable fact.


Horror Scope – Scorpio 4th November

Just because Monday rhymes with Funday

Does not mean that it is going to be a fun day today.

Stay positive, though, because you never know.