He wakes up. There is chocolate everywhere. Justin Bieber drinking and drag racing in fast cars. Sizzurp is scaring the parents of America. Everyone is wealthy in Des Moines. Gender lines are still kept hard and fast on morning television. Civil War bubbles in Ukraine. A gang rape is sanctioned as suitable punishment in a small village somewhere in West Bengal in India. Somewhere the sun is rising. Somewhere it is setting. Somewhere apparent and actual reality meet for a cup of coffee and a cup of tea. He watches as story after story is condensed and misrepresented in little chunks of two to three minutes long. Everyone will be injected with cameras and phones one day. One day everyone will be their own reality show. One day the Oscars won’t be predominantly white. One day the moon will be colonized and Mars will be colonized and beards will go out of fashion again and South Sudan is collapsing but it’s okay because George Clooney is trying to buy a satellite so that everyone can watch the implosion in real time until he has a new hobby. Then there is ice and cold and blizzards and death and the embrace of a dreamless sleep.
In the spirit of supporting gay marriage and equality as the Supreme Court looks at various legal cases, please find here, for your pleasure, the lyrics of I Kissed A Girl by Katy Perry, adapted so that everyones favourite teenboy quimthrob can sing his love to the rafters.
Only when Mr. Bieber sings this version can we truly say that we have achieved an equal society:
“I Kissed A Boy”
This was never the way I planned, not my intention.
I got so brave, drink in hand, lost my discretion
It’s not what I’m used to, just wanna try you on.
I’m curious for you, caught my attention.
I kissed a boy and I liked it,
the taste of his musky chapstick.
I kissed a boy just to try it,
I hope my girlfriend don’t mind it.
It felt so wrong,
It felt so right.
Don’t mean I’m in love tonight.
I kissed a boy and I liked it (I liked it).
No, I don’t even know your name, it doesn’t matter.
You’re my experimental game, just human nature.
It’s not what good boys do, not how they should behave.
My head gets so confused, hard to obey.
Us boys we are so magical,
Rough skin, harsh lips, so kissable.
Hard to resist, so touchable.
Too good to deny it.
Ain’t no big deal, it’s innocent.
I look forward to this being sung at the next Grammy Awards.
Go Beibernauts! Let’s get the campaign rolling!
(That’s what they’re called isn’t it?)
You are all most welcome.
Ignore the awful yellow backdrop and the garish red font and enjoy this great song.
The Pilgrim Travellers were a Texas based gospel group who found fame in the late 1940s and early 1950s.
This is the only song of theirs that I know. I had it on a compilation of Atomic themed songs that I bought from a record store a few years ago. Yes. We used to buy records from record stores. Now we sit in our beds wearing only our shame clicking on buttons to fill our hard drives with data. Ahem.
There are definitely not enough Jesus/Atomic themed songs in the current hit parade.
Justin Bieber and Taylor Swift really need to step their game up.
They could easily rerecord some of their current hits:
We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together Because Jesus is Riding an Atom Bomb Straight into our Living Room.
As Long As You Love Me Because Jesus Has The Launch Codes And He’s Not Afraid To Use Them.
See how easy it is?