You are the world’s worst poltergeist. You can’t even make an old house creak.
Keep driving until you run out of gas. Then run for the mountains. Then hide in the network of caves. It will give you at least another 72 hours of life.
You will never be a space pirate who enjoys yachting in the summer.
Change is coming. It will be about 5 cents and you will leave it in the tip jar.
You are being controlled by a giant supercomputer from a 1980s movie.
You are going to tag a dead beached whale and everyone will think you are an awful human being.
You cry when you cut onions. Spare a thought for how the onions feel you selfish bastard.
We are all out of time. Thank you for watching.
The weekend will not wash clean all of the horrors you committed during the week.
Kurt Vonnegut wrote his last unpublished novel based on your day. He spent the last two years of his life watching you obsessively. It’s a really bad book.
There are lots of things in the basement. Time for a spring clean. Bring the hazmat suits and the pentagrams.
Joining that cult is looking like it was the best option, after all.
Green energy is made of people. Or is that Soylent Green? Apparently it’s both.
And, lo, on the third day Hulk did Smash.
You’ve got five seconds left.
When you get into work today you find a lot of chewed bones and not many fellow employees.
Start praying.
Start preying.
You notice at lunch time that your face has been stuck in your orgasm expression since you awoke. No one told you. Think about what that means.
You had better learn to fly, quickly.
You will purchase a haunted House. It will be a very boring experience and no one will die because of it. All the death will come about because of the asbestos and the cancer.
You’ve been buried alive in the foundations of the building you spent years designing. As you asphixiate in the hardening concrete take comfort in the fact you will spend the next few years haunting the overpaid, haughty residents.
Your Hostage Negotiation skills were all that stood between humanity and alien domination. If only your alarm had woken you on time this morning.
No one understands your art or what you are trying to say with it. Your mother is still very encouraging though, so that’s nice.
There will always be Hope somewhere.
Time started yesterday. Your imprecise understanding of reality will mean that you never fully understand what this means.
Your television pilot is going to be a cult hit. Or unwatcheable disaster. The future is very cloudy right now. Either way, don’t go out in public for a while.
Pizza for breakfast was a bad idea.
Your name is now the slang term for genitalia of all kinds.
You never expected to be the Pope, did you?
Take the envelope off the woman who is walking towards you. Don’t look back.
Leave your phone on the table in the cafe and burn all of your credit cards. They are hunting you now. Meet me on the Mountain at midnight.
Let it take one of your legs and it may leave the rest of you.
Even though it’s futile you shouldn’t give up. That’s nonsense, of course you should give up. Don’t give up.
You live in a cartoon. A cartoon in which you are not invulnerable. That saw factory is going to be the end of you.
You will be Vice President to Lyndon Larouche. Then the rip in space time will suck you back into this reality.
Your yearning for freedom will do you little good in the face of those giant, well armed robot eagles.
The court doesn’t care about your evidence because they have already decided you are guilty of secret crimes.
Death for awl. Death for all. Death for owls. Whatever the judge said it’s not good for you who owns an All Awls for Owls business.
You have done nothing worthwhile today but at least that means you stopped, even if for 24 hours, from plotting against the rest of humanity.
It’s all going to be traced back to you. Time to move to another city.
How you got into the middle of the Antarctic is a story for another time. How you are going to escape will take too long to explain here. So, essentially, you’re not going to escape.
Everything that your parents said were true. Especially about the tooth fairy coming to steal all of your teeth. That is why you woke up this morning without any teeth.
The Ghosts of Memory will destroy you in the end. But first, why not just enjoy the tasty burger you just purchased?
George Clooney will always love you. You should go and visit him. Go now and take some flowers. He would love to see you at his front door, no matter what time of night it is.
Your whole life has been leading up to this moment that you should have been focusing on rather than reading this. Never mind. It wasn’t that important anyway. Back to the grind.
Put your dreams in The Hopeless Box.
You were never a very good skateboarder.
Whoever told you that singing was your talent does not know the meaning of the word talent. Or the meaning of the word singing.
You are free to do what you want to do. Sure breathing a 20% oxygen mix is for chumps. Kick it up to 50%. See how free you are then. Free? I meant flammable.
The soundtrack to you life is a long low moan.
Wear more dresses. Wear as many as you can at the same time.
This is the last day that the sun will rise. I hope you have prepared your stores and your weapons.
10,000 hours of masturbation will not make you good at the trombone nor the banjo no matter what you may have imagined someone didn’t tell you.
You will be the next victim of The Eye Collector. It does exactly what you think it does.
You are the before segment of an infomercial. On a good day.
When everyone starts speaking to you in binary numbers, whatever you do, don’t reveal your ignorance. They will destroy you. Gather your things and make your way to the safe house.
Exit through the window.
You are the main course at this Demonic barbecue.
Loki is coming.
When you scream in existential agony people think you are laughing.
The Moon isn’t real. It’s a circle painted on a glass wall just past the horizon.
Capitalism is going to eat you. Chewing your bones and sucking out the tasty marrow. Could be worse, though.
Memories of growing up in a battery farm have been disturbing you lately. This is because you have been given the wrong medication. Best go see the doctor if you don’t want to be overwhelmed with the horrific truth.
There are no gods. Dogs rules this secret universe. Not the cats. It was never the cats.
Just because that doorframe is made of teeth doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t walk through it.
You’re not racist you just like saying racist things and thinking racist thoughts.
Your slum landlord is about to ask for more than just rent.
You were born out of a magic egg.
You wake up to find that your skin has been turned inside out. Apart from the terrible agony the day continues as normal.
From here on in vampires will milk you like a cow. Except they will be taking blood instead of milk. Obviously. They are vampires. From where they will extract it is entirely at their discretion – because vampires.
When the Death Penalty returns to your Kingdom you will be the first to feel it’s cold, cold touch.
The Men in the Black Hats have been tracking you since birth and now your neon blood is all that stands between them and world domination.
You are the only Ghost in Human Town. It is nearly as lonely as being the only human in Ghost Town.
Jelly is sentient. It is sentient and it is slowly gathering. Better get the Crew back together.
Carl Sagan is disappointed with your progress but still thinks that you have potential.
Whenever you start to say “Some of my best friends are…”, you should realize that you actually don’t have any friends of any kind.
Soylent Growbags – don’t look at the ingredients, just enjoy the resulting glorious flowers.
You will be the first human to live on the Moon. Not for very long because you will die of some unknown disease after about a month, but they will make a plaque for you. So that’s nice.
No one knows where you are. You went missing after breakfast.
You are the 27th letter of the Roman Alphabet.
Every day when you leave the house tiny creatures enter through the air ducts and do their bathroom in all of your crockery.
In the future the most auspicious job will be Presidential Scrotum cleaner.
You have been finding it difficult to achieve your goals recently. That is because all of your goals are written in a language you cannot understand on a piece of paper that is hidden in a safety deposit box that has no door.
Why are you teetering on the edge? Come back inside and enjoy a nice cup of tea. We can talk about all of your problems here.
You are running out of steam. Go and buy more steam at the steam store. Get a family pack.
This week every day will feel like Monday. This is because you are stuck in a time loop. This week every day will feel like Monday. This is because you are stuck in a time loop.This week every day will feel like Monday. This is because you are stuck in a time loop. etc
You’re going to say something really racist today. Try to do it sooner rather than later. That way you can use the time until sunset trying to make amends.
Jesus is waiting in the shadows. He’s been watching you sleep.
If you find yourself wearing an Easter Bunny Costume, whatever you do, don’t start running.
With every new friend you gain you increase your chances of being killed by someone you know.
Those are not chocolate eggs.
Just because three nipples have grown on your forehead doesn’t mean you can’t go to church today.
Filling up that bag with food is a very good idea. Trying to leave without paying… that’s entirely up to you.
Prepare yourself for the fact that all of your personal effects are going to spring to life around noon.
Bread is to toast as you are to being lost in the desert for a week. Well done for still being alive.
Just as you begin your important speech you realize that not only are your notes blank but you are also in the wrong room. Good luck!
You should start a human taxidermy business. It will be a great success, trust me.
If you are still alive by the end of the day then those assassins really weren’t trying hard enough.
You will drown in sunflower seeds. They will fill up your mouth and nose and some other orifice.
Try using a lasso. Try pronouncing it correctly as you use it.
You woke up in the fridge, didn’t you? Best not tell anyone else.
You will make your fortune from desert sculptures made from coat hangers.
Gender is a myth that you helped perpetrate and do nothing to rectify.
Babies hate you.
Playing Operation was not a substitute for medical school. You should have realized this before taking on this surgery assignment, but at least you know now. Better late than never.
You go live in 10 seconds and all the bombs have just gone off.
Pollen is not your friend.
Cannibalism will be popular this summer. Stay indoors.
Cleats are growing out of the soles of your feet.
The road you are walking along has no end. There are lots of stops along the way that sell tasty but unhealthy treats.
You were not designed for happiness.
When you return home tonight you will find a small tear in the fabric of reality, just behind the couch. Things will soon start to seep out and then madness will follow.
Rope. You should buy lots of rope.
Nothing interesting happens to you today.
Where is all that blood coming from?
You are always the last person to know.
You are the reason your favourite shows get cancelled.
You might as well be a slaveowner based on your current status as a western consumer.
You are to blame for the failure of representative democracy.
Thank God for prayer. God? Hello? God? Try later.
You are an unwelcome guest at this feast. Take what you can and leave.
Life is like a good wine. Ferment those grapes and you will be rewarded with an astonishing hangover.
Your job will take you to uncharted places. You will discover soon enough why they remained uncharted for so long.
It is certainly a worry that the sky appears green to you.
Life is not a rehearsal for something better. Your life, however, is being streamed for the entertainment of faceless creaturse in another dimension.
The feeling that sinks deep to the very darkest part of your belly is guilt. You had better remember what happened last night quickly or that man in the trenchcoat is going to carry out his threat.
Boo.
You are on a merry-go-round made of ice spnning maniacally in the noon-day sun.
You did not expect to be coughing up furballs. This is because you have not been doing your research. You are a cat.
Everyone one can see what you are doing on webcam. EVERYONE. Either put some tape over it or start charging money.
Your personal financial advisor uses cards on a wall and a dart to choose how they invest your money.
Congratulations, you are about to be elected President of Afghanistan.
Someone has been mixing dolphin meat into your food.
A rolling stone gathers no moss. Moss gatherers gather moss. It is a proud and dying profession. You will be sorry when there are no more moss gatherers in the world.
If you had only reached a little further and jumped a little higher you would not be impaled on these dirty wooden spikes.
For the rest of the month you will be mistaken for a Super Villain.
You have just been copyrighted by Google. Now you have to email them everytime you want to do anything.
Get as many axes as you can. Get them now!
Never answer a telephone again. It is not in your interests to do so.
You have gone temporarily blind.
You are about to be sucked into a video game. It happened while you were reading this.
Get in the Wickerman. The Old Gods need their sacrifice.
Your doppleganger is more succesful than you are. Just let it take over your life. It is for the best.
Logic states that you will not be able to open that milk with those claws that you woke up with.
Rice Pudding. You know why.
When things seem hard. Don’t give up. You won’t succeed but don’t you dare give up.
You are definitely a number. That number is unknown to you. You will never find it.
You are at a crossroads. To the North, a castle. To the South, the burning city you left. To the West, A dark forest. To the East, the ocean. It’s decision time.
Most of the things you have done could have been done better.
Mountains are crumbling but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t climb them.
Gravity is your enemy. Everything is your enemy but Gravity is leading the charge.
Hobgoblins are real and they are eating your feet, right now. No new shoes for you.
Don’t look under the patio. You will not like what you find there.
You have all the answers. You just have no idea which questions to match them up to.
You are sleepwalking off a cliff so you will not be able to read this useful warning.
You were automated last week but everyone is too embarassed to tell you.
As disasters go, that wasn’t the worst one you have ever caused.
When you are finally uploaded to the brainweb you will only take up 1mb.
From this day forth you will be allergic to coffee.
Sheath your sword slowly and you may avoid death by cop.
You evolved from a trilobite.
The snow will never end.
You have no one but yourself to blame for being in that swinging wooden cage above the shark filled lava pit. Luckily all the sharks are dead and they will form a handy walkway to the exit. The cage is nearly burnt away and you only have a small drop. Not bad for a Monday.
