Dispatches from Nightmare Alley.


This is something I’ve been working on. It’s got buttons to press and comic strips to read.

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CLICK ME TO HEAD ON THROUGH TO GLORIOUS STRANGENESS.

Dispatches from Nightmare Alley.

I Made a Book and Here it is.


black & white photographs are great. You should buy this.
If you buy this wonderful book your life will improve immeasurably. This is not a money back guarantee.

CLICK ON THE BOOK.

It has photographs in it that I took. Seems like lots of fun to me. Doesn’t it seem like fun?

Why not buy it?

For yourself

Or a friend.

You should definitely buy it.

 

But if you cannot bear to part with money then please enjoy this freed pdf version.

CLICK ON THIS LINK TO GET IT:  black/white

An Easter Story Part 2.


 

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And behold, there was a great earthquake and the large egg did crack from the top and Jesus did burst forth with great you and said unto his disciples, ‘Be not afraid for even though the frame of this egg is a sturdy wire mesh yet the shell itself is a tasty sugar mixture. Go spread the good news!” But the Easter Chick remained unimpressed.

Matthew 28:1-10

An Easter Story Part 1.


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Then sent Jesus two disciples, saying unto them, “Go into the village over against you, and straightway ye shall find an enormous bunny tied, and also a giant chick with her, but take the enormous bunny, and bring it unto me, but leave the giant chick where it is. And if anyone say ought unto you, ye shall say, the Lord hath need of a really enormous bunny; and straightway they shall send it.”

Matthew 21:1-3

Saint Patrick’s Day Advice


It is Saint Patrick’s Day next week.

The Yearly Bacchanal is not a time for introspection but perhaps, this year, it’s time to slow down a little.

I am probably just getting old. Don’t mind me, I am just a decrepit man with not much time left.

Even so, here, below, are some ideas and some thoughts.

Cheers!

 

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DC with Pakistan.


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Last night there was a well attended gathering at Du Pont Circle in Washington DC. Many faiths, ethnicities and ages all came together to remember those who had been massacred at their school desks in Peshawar the day before.

Candles were lit. Heads were bowed. Tears were shed.

The memory of those murdered at weddings and in their homes by drones and by death squads danced round the edge of the memorial.

All the innocents have value and all were joined in hoping for a better world for those innocents who remain.

Productivity Fail #402 – Blame the Coffee.


That wired moment at 2am when you think two keyboards and two monitors will make you twice as productive.

work station
I just need two extra arms and an extra brain and then everything will be well with the world. Yes, that is all that is required. Just that, nothing more.

Birth, Death, Rebirth.


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What better way to mourn the loss of a pet at the Animal Hospital than to buy a new pet at the pet store and stuff your old pet at the taxidermist?

I also commend whoever came up with the business strategy of having these three trades in such close proximity.

Valentine’s Lesson #1: Objects = Love (As is Tradition.)


Nothing says I LOVE YOU like buying things from my store.

You will not regret your purchases.*

A postcard... of love
A postcard… of love
A necklace... of love
A necklace… of love
A canvas... of love
A canvas… of love
A throw pillow... of love
A throw pillow… of love
A tote bag... of love
A tote bag… of love
A mug... of love
A mug… of love
A t-shirt... of love
A t-shirt… of love
A candy tin... of love
A candy tin… of love

*you may regret your purchases.

Cheetahs at DC Zoo.


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Two cheetahs at rest.
Two cheetahs at rest.
One cheetah prowling.
One cheetah prowling.

I know that lazy tilt shift is a mistake but I just can’t help myself.

Let’s just pretend it’s a visual trick to highlight how trapped these majestic creatures must feel.

Yes, let’s go with that reason.

The Saddest Christmas Sign in the World.


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And I don’t even want to begin to imagine what that bear is doing.

I stared at the animated sign, hypnotised for several minutes, and was still none the wiser.

Snow Day.


It snowed a while ago.

Here are four photographs.

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National Christmas Tree, Washington D.C (2013)


Nothing says Christmas is here more than cutting down a massive tree, transporting it across the country and then displaying it on the National Mall for all to see. It is far more romantic than that previous sentence would have you believe, in that it is incredibly romantic. Take your lover – I highly recommend it.

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Horror Scope – Sagittarius 6th December.


Piano keys will not help you unlock this door.

They will, however, be really useful as projectile weapons to be thrown at the on-coming horde.

If only you can prise them out of their fittings – maybe then you will have a fighting chance.

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Horror Scope – Sagittarius 5th December.


Did you really think that you were going to get away with that?

Well you did, no consequences.

Congratulations.

No-one will suspect a thing and the organ chewing guilt will become manageable soon enough.

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Horror Scope – Sagittarius 4th December.


No, it’s not just you – those things in hats have been following you since your morning ablutions.

You should never have invited them into the shower.

There will be no escaping their relentless gaze now.

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Horror Scope – Sagittarius 3rd December.


Don’t worry too much that the words in your newspaper are dripping off the page.

Worry about the terrible price that will be exacted,

by the sentient being formed from the black ooze,

after your final wish.

 

saggitarius 1

Horror Scope – Sagittarius 2nd December.


Today you will try to convince everyone that Jeff Bezos is trying to take over the world.

No one will believe you,

Until years later when the uniformed jack-booted foot soldiers of Bezos’ private child army

comes for them and their families in their Amazon life-cubicles.

Then they’ll believe you.

saggitarius 1

Horror Scope – Sagittarius 1st December


Even as you feel the life drain from your body,

Be thankful that your corpse will be used as cross-training equipment for the Silicon Valley Power Elite.

Your brain soup will make them strong.

Your tears will fuel their start-ups.

saggitarius 1

Horror Scope – Sagittarius 30th November


It will come to your attention as the day progresses that you are not getting the attention you deserve.

The flashy brooch you purchase and pin to your lapel will make little difference.

Yet still you persevere.

You optimistic fool.

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Horror Scope – Sagittarius 29th November


Today you will be the Thanksgiving leftovers for our Inter-dimensional Overlords.

Baste yourself.

 

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Horror Scope – Sagittarius 28th November


Thanksgiving.

Today you will be filled with helium and stretched tight your limbs attached to rope as you are dragged through the streets of New York.

As is traditional.

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Horror Scope – Sagittarius 27th November


Where does all this energy come from?

It comes from The Screaming Dead.

That will teach you to ask questions.

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Horror Scope – Sagittarius 25th November


Good news  – your hopes and dreams are going to come true.

Bad news – your hopes and dreams involve having your brain inserted into an indestructible killer robot with a unquenchable thirst for human destruction.

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Horror Scope – Scorpio 21st November


Red sky at night sailors delight.

Red sky in the morning – it’s far too late; the sailors have already captured all the high ground and your defeat is assured.

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Horror Scope – Scorpio 20th November


Red sky at night shepherds delight.

Red sky in the morning – stay in your homes the sheperds have no yet finished feasting on human flesh.

scorpio

Horror Scope – Scorpio 17th November


It’s all going to be okay.

Yes, don’t worry.

Just put this bag on your head

And sit down in that box.

Totally safe.

scorpio

Horror Scope – Scorpio 13th November


You had better unbury that “body” because the council are about to dig up the area in order to install an ice-rink.

This is definitely a metaphor.
Yes, don’t take it literally.

(Take it literally. Go now!)

scorpio

Horror Scope – Scorpio 12th November


When life gives you lemons

You can makes all sorts of things with lemons.

Stop complaining.

Someone has just given you lemons, you ungrateful cur.

scorpio

Horror Scope – Scorpio 11th November


Good things come to those who wait.

Unless all the good things are just go around the corner out of sight and hearing.

Why not go and check.

Don’t worry, it’s not a trap…

I said it’s NOT a trap.

That’s right, just down at the end of the alleyway – through the neon lit door.

All the Good Things are waiting for you.

Breathing heavily – licking their lips with anticipation.

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Horror Scope – Scorpio 10th November


If you use the assembly instructions you received with your wardrobe to put together your table

You will discover that you have created a wooden portal to another dimension.

It is one way only so tread carefully.

scorpio

Horror Scope – Scorpio 8th November


You will forget how to words today.

Don’t worry no one will notice because no one ever notices anything you do.

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Horror Scope – Scorpio 6th November


Make it a talking point with your colleagues by wearing snowshoes to work.

This will increase your chances of promotion and a raise.

This is an indisputable fact.

scorpio

Horror Scope – Scorpio 4th November


Just because Monday rhymes with Funday

Does not mean that it is going to be a fun day today.

Stay positive, though, because you never know.

scorpio

Horror Scope – Scorpio 3rd November


Yes, that is ectoplasm coming out of your mouth.

Don’t worry,

The fear will soon pass

To be replaced by a feeling of

Numb acceptance.

scorpio

The Watermeloning – Halloween Special Redux


I posted this before but it’s Halloween so I thought the world was ready to re-experience the horror….

Oh Dripping maw of meaty red
Do not look in that cave of dread
We Ope’d the Fruit
And so it bled.
Oh Dreaded Fruit of Rotten Red.

Sleep with the light on tonight…

Mwahahahahahahaha. etc.

Horror Scope – Scorpio 30th October


When those around you start to spontaneously combust simply ignore them and continue on with your business.

scorpio

Horror Scope – Scorpio 29th October


Truly you are your brother’s keeper.

Whatever you do, make sure you keep his cage locked.

If he gets out, the world is certainly doomed.

scorpio

Horror Scope – Scorpio 28th October


How do you know what is going to happen to you today?

Because now you can see the future.

Enjoy the madness that approaches as you realise that you can change nothing that is about to happen.

scorpio

Horror Scope – Scorpio 27th October


Today you will reflect on your childhood.

The mirror you hold up to the past will be dirty and hard to see into.

Whatever you do, don’t clean it.

Leave it alone and go and do something less meaningful.

 

scorpio

Horror Scope – Libra 20th October


All of this was a dream.

Except for that bit.

That bit was all too real.

Don’t worry, the shuddering will cease, eventually.

libra 2

Horror Scope – Libra 17th October


Today –

Walking for thinking,

Running to clear your head

And flying because of the giant cybernetic wings that have been grafted to your back, complex wiring interlaced with your nueral system.

Fly, my pretty, fly.

 

libra 2

Horror Scope – Libra 16th October


You forgot to read your horoscope today. That is why today has been such a disaster.

You do not know this is the reason for your failure because you have not read your horoscope.

Etc.

libra 2

Horror Scope – Libra 13th October


Your application to become the newest member of the US Supreme Court was successful. Congratulations!

libra 2

 

Horror Scope – Libra 12th October


It is recommended that you get your affairs in order and purchase a gravestone.
All other matters remain unclear.
Good luck!

libra 2

Horror Scope – Libra 9th October


Today you will waste your time reading a fake horoscope.

This is that horoscope.

The one you are reading now.

You are still reading it.

Still.

It hasn’t finished yet.

Still going.

That’s it.

No wait – there’s more.

Nope.

Just kidding.

libra 2