This is something I’ve been working on. It’s got buttons to press and comic strips to read.
CLICK ME TO HEAD ON THROUGH TO GLORIOUS STRANGENESS.
Dispatches from Nightmare Alley.
If you buy this wonderful book your life will improve immeasurably. This is not a money back guarantee.
CLICK ON THE BOOK.
photographs in it that I took. Seems like lots of fun to me. Doesn’t it seem like fun?
Why not buy it?
Or a friend.
You should definitely
But if you cannot bear to part with money then please enjoy this freed pdf version.
CLICK ON THIS LINK TO GET IT:
And behold, there was a great earthquake and the large egg did crack from the top and Jesus did burst forth with great you and said unto his disciples, ‘Be not afraid for even though the frame of this egg is a sturdy wire mesh yet the shell itself is a tasty sugar mixture. Go spread the good news!” But the Easter Chick remained unimpressed.
Then sent Jesus two disciples, saying unto them, “Go into the village over against you, and straightway ye shall find an enormous bunny tied, and also a giant chick with her, but take the enormous bunny, and bring it unto me, but leave the giant chick where it is. And if anyone say ought unto you, ye shall say, the Lord hath need of a really enormous bunny; and straightway they shall send it.”
Alone on the platform
After a day of good work.
Soon she will be sitting
On the train,
And then at home
With Loved Ones.
It’s early and this is a mini unfinished sketch but I thought I’d share anyway.
Please excuse my jeans.
This is for tomorrow but it was so tasty looking that I just couldn’t resist posting it now.
I’ll post the other one I drew later.
Sir Terry Pratchett has died.
It is Saint Patrick’s Day next week.
The Yearly Bacchanal is not a time for introspection but perhaps, this year, it’s time to slow down a little.
I am probably just getting old. Don’t mind me, I am just a decrepit man with not much time left.
Even so, here, below, are some ideas and some thoughts.
At its own speed
Drawing out the thread
End of the day
The music squeezes
Resonating beyond now.
SAINT PATRICK IS COMFORTED BY A LEPRECHAUN ON LEARNING THE MANNER IN WHICH HIS DAY IS CELEBRATED.
Haggis – the food of poets.
Last night there was a well attended gathering at Du Pont Circle in Washington DC. Many faiths, ethnicities and ages all came together to remember those who had been massacred at their school desks in Peshawar the day before.
Candles were lit. Heads were bowed. Tears were shed.
The memory of those murdered at weddings and in their homes by drones and by death squads danced round the edge of the memorial.
All the innocents have value and all were joined in hoping for a better world for those innocents who remain.
That wired moment at 2am when you think two keyboards and two monitors will make you twice as productive.
I just need two extra arms and an extra brain and then everything will be well with the world. Yes, that is all that is required. Just that, nothing more.
The finished piece.
Squat lonely building
Lurking by the baseball diamond
It was built but no one came
Not even Bleacher ghosts.
What better way to mourn the loss of a pet at the Animal Hospital than to buy a new pet at the pet store and stuff your old pet at the taxidermist?
I also commend whoever came up with the business strategy of having these three trades in such close proximity.
zebra, black and white, tilt shift, 2014
cheetah, black and white, tilt shift, 2014
Two cheetahs at rest.
One cheetah prowling.
I know that lazy tilt shift is a mistake but I just can’t help myself.
Let’s just pretend it’s a visual trick to highlight how trapped these majestic creatures must feel.
Yes, let’s go with that reason.
OK America, you have finally created a limited edition taste that I am not willing to experience.
Because nothing says Merry Christmas
more than buying gifts for loved ones
With an unaffordable high interest loan.
And I don’t even want to begin to imagine what that bear is doing.
I stared at the animated sign, hypnotised for several minutes, and was still none the wiser.
It snowed a while ago.
Here are four photographs.
Trees and Bus Stop, Desaturated (2013)
Trees, Cars and Bus Stop, Black and White (2013)
Fire Hydrant, Desaturated (2013)
Tree tops, Black and White (2013)
Nothing says Christmas is here more than cutting down a massive tree, transporting it across the country and then displaying it on the National Mall for all to see. It is far more romantic than that previous sentence would have you believe, in that it is incredibly romantic. Take your lover – I highly recommend it.
Every year a tree is taken
from one of the American states.
and surrounded with lights and tiny trains
This year the tree is
It glows hauntingly
The hypnotic lights.
And atop there sits
a glowing star
Little trees represent the states
And the unincorporated territories.
Piano keys will not help you unlock this door.
They will, however, be really useful as projectile weapons to be thrown at the on-coming horde.
If only you can prise them out of their fittings – maybe then you will have a fighting chance.
Did you really think that you were going to get away with that?
Well you did, no consequences.
No-one will suspect a thing and the organ chewing guilt will become manageable soon enough.
No, it’s not just you – those things in hats have been following you since your morning ablutions.
You should never have invited them into the shower.
There will be no escaping their relentless gaze now.
Don’t worry too much that the words in your newspaper are dripping off the page.
Worry about the terrible price that will be exacted,
by the sentient being formed from the black ooze,
after your final wish.
Today you will try to convince everyone that Jeff Bezos is trying to take over the world.
No one will believe you,
Until years later when the uniformed jack-booted foot soldiers of Bezos’ private child army
comes for them and their families in their Amazon life-cubicles.
Then they’ll believe you.
Even as you feel the life drain from your body,
Be thankful that your corpse will be used as cross-training equipment for the Silicon Valley Power Elite.
Your brain soup will make them strong.
Your tears will fuel their start-ups.
It will come to your attention as the day progresses that you are not getting the attention you deserve.
The flashy brooch you purchase and pin to your lapel will make little difference.
Yet still you persevere.
You optimistic fool.
Today you will be the Thanksgiving leftovers for our Inter-dimensional Overlords.
Today you will be filled with helium and stretched tight your limbs attached to rope as you are dragged through the streets of New York.
As is traditional.
Where does all this energy come from?
It comes from The Screaming Dead.
That will teach you to ask questions.
You are a hybrid of human and horse.
News doesn’t get much better than this today.
Good news – your hopes and dreams are going to come true.
Bad news – your hopes and dreams involve having your brain inserted into an indestructible killer robot with a unquenchable thirst for human destruction.
It is best that you start learning archery.
You will learn for why soon enough.
Remember that thing you did last summer?
Yes, I remember that too.
Too many cooks spoil the broth.
If you must make broth out of cooks only use one cook.
Red sky at night sailors delight.
Red sky in the morning – it’s far too late; the sailors have already captured all the high ground and your defeat is assured.
Red sky at night shepherds delight.
Red sky in the morning – stay in your homes the sheperds have no yet finished feasting on human flesh.
Hell is not other people.
It is you.
Hummus is not what you think it is.
It’s all going to be okay.
Yes, don’t worry.
Just put this bag on your head
And sit down in that box.
You are a construct made in the Factory of your Ideology.
Well-wishers will be knocking at your door.
Do not let them in.
They bring nothing but tragedy.
You had better unbury that “body” because the council are about to dig up the area in order to install an ice-rink.
This is definitely a metaphor.
Yes, don’t take it literally.
(Take it literally. Go now!)
When life gives you lemons
You can makes all sorts of things with lemons.
Someone has just given you lemons, you ungrateful cur.
Good things come to those who wait.
Unless all the good things are just go around the corner out of sight and hearing.
Why not go and check.
Don’t worry, it’s not a trap…
I said it’s NOT a trap.
That’s right, just down at the end of the alleyway – through the neon lit door.
All the Good Things are waiting for you.
Breathing heavily – licking their lips with anticipation.
If you use the assembly instructions you received with your wardrobe to put together your table
You will discover that you have created a wooden portal to another dimension.
It is one way only so tread carefully.
You should definitely press that button no matter how many times you are warned not to.
You will forget how to words today.
Don’t worry no one will notice because no one ever notices anything you do.
Worrying is futile
In the Face of Certain Doom.
Make it a talking point with your colleagues by wearing snowshoes to work.
This will increase your chances of promotion and a raise.
This is an indisputable fact.
You’re not being radical enough.
Time to get up on the barricade.
Just because Monday rhymes with Funday
Does not mean that it is going to be a fun day today.
Stay positive, though, because you never know.
Yes, that is ectoplasm coming out of your mouth.
The fear will soon pass
To be replaced by a feeling of
All Your Base Are Belong to Me.
Hand them over, please.
I posted this before but it’s Halloween so I thought the world was ready to re-experience the horror….
Oh Dripping maw of meaty red
Do not look in that cave of dread
We Ope’d the Fruit
And so it bled.
Oh Dreaded Fruit of Rotten Red.
Sleep with the light on tonight…
Everything will happen today.
When those around you start to spontaneously combust simply ignore them and continue on with your business.
Truly you are your brother’s keeper.
Whatever you do, make sure you keep his cage locked.
If he gets out, the world is certainly doomed.
How do you know what is going to happen to you today?
Because now you can see the future.
Enjoy the madness that approaches as you realise that you can change nothing that is about to happen.
Today you will reflect on your childhood.
The mirror you hold up to the past will be dirty and hard to see into.
Whatever you do, don’t clean it.
Leave it alone and go and do something less meaningful.
That pile of chocolate will not eat itself.
It will eat you.
It is only my birthday today.
There will be no birthday celebrations for anyone else.
I am sorry if you were misinformed.
Today you will feel like a trending hashtag.
Howling. Scowling. Fouling.
These lessons from school days will serve you well.
All of this was a dream.
Except for that bit.
That bit was all too real.
Don’t worry, the shuddering will cease, eventually.
You are mistaken.
There is definitely a drawing here.
Today beware of bewaring.
Walking for thinking,
Running to clear your head
And flying because of the giant cybernetic wings that have been grafted to your back, complex wiring interlaced with your nueral system.
Fly, my pretty, fly.
You forgot to read your horoscope today. That is why today has been such a disaster.
You do not know this is the reason for your failure because you have not read your horoscope.
All of your recent thoughts are mis-remembered celebrity tweets that you read last year.
Everything in moderation – except for moderation.
Your application to become the newest member of the US Supreme Court was successful. Congratulations!
It is recommended that you get your affairs in order and purchase a gravestone.
All other matters remain unclear.
If you have a name then you are doomed.
Only the Nameless will survive this day.
THIS BOOK WILL TEACH YOU NOTHING
BY ZARTOSHT KUIPERS
Today you will discover that all the mirrors have stopped working.
Today you will waste your time reading a fake horoscope.
This is that horoscope.
The one you are reading now.
You are still reading it.
It hasn’t finished yet.
No wait – there’s more.