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No one can hear your silent protest.

You’re not racist you just like saying racist things and thinking racist thoughts.

Your slum landlord is about to ask for more than just rent.

You were born out of a magic egg.

You wake up to find that your skin has been turned inside out. Apart from the terrible agony the day continues as normal.

From here on in vampires will milk you like a cow. Except they will be taking blood instead of milk. Obviously. They are vampires. From where they will extract it is entirely at their discretion – because vampires.

When the Death Penalty returns to your Kingdom you will be the first to feel it’s cold, cold touch.

The Men in the Black Hats have been tracking you since birth and now your neon blood is all that stands between them and world domination.

You are the only Ghost in Human Town. It is nearly as lonely as being the only human in Ghost Town.

Jelly is sentient. It is sentient and it is slowly gathering. Better get the Crew back together.

Your beard is going to murder you.

You are a skeumorph.

Horrorscope – Wednesday 23rd April 2014