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You’re not getting off this space station alive.

You live in a cartoon. A cartoon in which you are not invulnerable. That saw factory is going to be the end of you.

You will be Vice President to Lyndon Larouche. Then the rip in space time will suck you back into this reality.

Your yearning for freedom will do you little good in the face of those giant, well armed robot eagles.

The court doesn’t care about your evidence because they have already decided you are guilty of secret crimes.

Death for awl. Death for all. Death for owls. Whatever the judge said it’s not good for you who owns an All Awls for Owls business.

You have done nothing worthwhile today but at least that means you stopped, even if for 24 hours, from plotting against the rest of humanity.

It’s all going to be traced back to you. Time to move to another city.

How you got into the middle of the Antarctic is a story for another time. How you are going to escape will take too long to explain here. So, essentially, you’re not going to escape.

Everything that your parents said were true. Especially about the tooth fairy coming to steal all of your teeth. That is why you woke up this morning without any teeth.

The Ghosts of Memory will destroy you in the end. But first, why not just enjoy the tasty burger you just purchased?

Wear a tie today.

Horrorscope – Saturday 26th April 2014