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Your Hostage Negotiation skills were all that stood between humanity and alien domination. If only your alarm had woken you on time this morning.

No one understands your art or what you are trying to say with it. Your mother is still very encouraging though, so that’s nice.

There will always be Hope somewhere.

Time started yesterday. Your imprecise understanding of reality will mean that you never fully understand what this means.

Your television pilot is going to be a cult hit. Or unwatcheable disaster. The future is very cloudy right now. Either way, don’t go out in public for a while.

Pizza for breakfast was a bad idea.

Your name is now the slang term for genitalia of all kinds.

You never expected to be the Pope, did you?

Take the envelope off the woman who is walking towards you. Don’t look back.

Leave your phone on the table in the cafe and burn all of your credit cards. They are hunting you now. Meet me on the Mountain at midnight.

Let it take one of your legs and it may leave the rest of you.

Even though it’s futile you shouldn’t give up. That’s nonsense, of course you should give up. Don’t give up.

Horrorscope – Sunday 27th April 2014