I found this on my morning bus.
Sometimes the best thing to do is let your first impression be the impression that you keep in your brain:
Who loves me? I don’t know. Is it Hulk Hogan? Jenna Elfman? Danny Trejo? How about Donald Rumsfeld? Am I going to get a clue?
What? My sins? What do you mean? I haven’t murdered anyone! You can’t defame me like that and expect to get away with it.
Drunkenness is not even on the same playing field as murder. Unless I got drunk and murdered a witch. Wait, is murdering a witch okay?
Why is gay in parentheses? Do you think I don’t know what homosexuality is?
What the fuck is shacking? (looks up shacking) I did not even realise that that was a word for that thing there. I thought it was going to be an interesting and depraved sex act not a simple one night stand. I have participated in neither recently. Not for want of trying.
INCEST?! How is incest the same as filthy talk?
But Jesus, you’ve built my gorgeous mansion on a CLOUD. I am no engineering expert but that is not the firm foundation that a building of that magnificence needs. Is it a magic mansion powered by some mysterious substance like the Islands of Laputa? Is that mysterious substance Faith? Oooh. I see what you’re doing here. That’s very clever.
Is it lit with energy efficient bulbs because I’m very keen on being environmental and if it’s not then I’m afraid that’s a deal-breaker, as lovely as that mansion looks.
Still not sure about the wispy cloud foundations though. You’re sure that the integrity of the structure is sound?
It reminds me of Gatsby’s mansion and I don’t remember that tale ending too well.
FUCK! Scary Giant Faceless Monster! I’ll do whatever you want just leave my family alone!